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Toike take – Toronto’s Worst

This column features the 3 worst people, places or things (Nouns, for those of you who failed grade 4) in Toronto this month, personal bias definitely included.


  1. Skating at Nathan Phillips Square– It’s almost that time of year again: crowds of people skating in circles and taking cheesy pictures in front of the ‘Toronto’ sign. Meanwhile, there’s nobody left at Starbucks to talk with me about my new passion project but hey, you’re here now so just read this okay? 

“Weasley”. The cold and piercing voice of Professor Snape echoed off the harsh stone walls of the dungeon. “Weasley, what part of your simple mind has sent you strolling down here after hours?”. Ron could feel his ears redden at the speed of a bullet train. He could feel his pulse quickening, his breaths becoming sharper by the second. “Sir”, Ron stammered, his face now flushed with embarrassment – or was it something else? “I’ve come to… to see you sir”. The biting cold air of the dungeon suddenly felt thick, thicker than a bowl of oatmeal. The silence felt like it lasted an eternity, but it was broken by the strike of Snape’s boots, resounding throughout the chamber. Was he… approaching?

  1. TTC– The TTC has been really slow lately. Anyways, 

Ron could feel each breath on the back of his neck. He braced himself for the cold, but the rush of air was surprisingly warm, almost caressing his collar. “And what” whispered Snape, “have you come to see me for?”. Both men knew that this question did not need to be answered. The tension had built to an almost insurmountable level, and it was only seconds until Ron felt strong, tapered fingers grip his cloak.

  1. Whatever– who cares at this point.

Ron’s robe slipped away, down to his ankles with practiced ease. When he turned, he saw that snape had disrobed as well, revealing a thin, yet muscular frame. Ron’s eyes were drawn downward, grazing Snape’s effortless 6-pack and settling on WAIT. Was he covered in syrup? Yes, a thick syrupy coating covered Snape’s entire body from head to toe. Could it be… Ron dipped his finger in and had a lick. It was! Trader Joe’s $4.99 syrup, silky smooth and tasty as hell. Buy it now at your local Trader Joes or online at

Honorable mention: How easy this was to write – It makes me very uncomfortable.

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