What’s up Skuligans and Disney fanatics! It’s Patroike here with another Top 5 list. In honour of this month’s underrated Disney theme, we’re gonna be ranking the Top 5 Most Underrated Disney Films! Let’s get right into – what? They changed the theme? When? HALFWAY THROUGH THE IDEAS MEETING??? Well does it still have anything to do with Disney? How can something sort of have something to do with Disney? Are we talking children-filling-in-the-gaps-of-their-favourite-stories fan fiction or the raunchy shipping kind of fan fiction? Ok, I guess the filling in the gaps one isn’t too bad. WHAT? WELL THEN WHY’D YOU SAY “FILLING IN” WHEN YOU MEANT THE RAUNCHY O–oh. That is gross? Can I at least keep going with the article? Ok, I guess I can try to relate the movies to the theme.
#5) The Black Cauldron
Alright, this movie is straight-up criminally underrated. It’s got everything: action, adventure, drama, heroic sacrifi–you want me to say what? No, his name is the HORNED King. Besides, he’s the villain. Why would people want to have sexual relations with the villain? What does “ultimate bad boy” even mean? Ok, let’s just get through this as quickly as possible.
#4) Atlantis: The Lost Empire
Another forgotten masterpiece that should have gotten a live action remake way before Mulan or The Lion King. Atlantis is like Avatar (the blue-cat one, not the classic children’s series) if it had a sort of steampunk motif instead of the aforementioned big blue cats with sex braids. No, the sex braids were NOT the best part of that movie! Well I don’t care what Tumblr thinks. Besides, they forcibly use those braids when they’re riding those weird bird things. NO, THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT HOTTER!
#3) Brother Bear
This one is the heartwarming tale of a boy learning that love is just as masculine as strength or bravery while on a quest to become a man, sorry, a bear. Don’t even think about making a stupid “bear” joke. I know you were thinking about it, you sick fuck. Oh, my bad. In any case I don’t think one of the moose would fit on a Zamboni so you probably wouldn’t be able to give it a ri– why are you winking? Oh. You were making another sex joke, weren’t you?
#2) Treasure Planet
A sci-fi version of Stevenson’s “Treasure Island”, it’s a shame that Disney mishandled the marketing for this one so badly. So, what are you gonna twist this one into? You gonna talk about how the cyborg probably has a high-tech dildo on his robotic arm? How about Morph, eh? Are you gonna say that this adorable childlike blob could turn itself into a floating fleshlight? Or are you gonna obsess over the cat-dog babies at the end like people obsessed over the Shrek donkey-dragon babies? JUST SAY WHATEVER PERVERTED COMMENTS YOU’RE THINKING OF AND GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY!
#1) The Emperor’s New Groove
I wanna die. I wanna fucking die. This issue of the Toike is cursed. If we were printing it, we could at least burn all the copies. But we’re not and we can’t. The curse will live on on the internet. Forever.
Emperor’s New Groove was a pretty fun movie.