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Turned on by a Lightsaber: The Hacksmith Tells All

Popular youtube icon The Hacksmith, known throughout the web as an engineer who “take[s] fictional ideas […] and make real working prototypes,” is currently battling a lawsuit after an alleged break-in at his workshop.

On November 19, 2020, James Hobson – known online as The Hacksmith – thought he was going to have a normal day, “playing with his retractable lightsaber, posing for instagramable pictures while [colleague Bogdan Malynovskyy] machined parts for their latest projects, maybe even rejecting a few female applicants vying for the Hacksmith Team.”

But November 19th, 2020 was far from normal. An exclusive Toike Interview with him reveals the grim reality of that day. 

“I was playing AFK Arena, a light RPG game – the best RPG game for the busy you – on my way to work, because AFK Arena allows you to multitask through its rewarding non-grindy style RPG format, so it doesn’t require a huge time investment, and can be played casually,” Hobson explained, “when I noticed the door to my workshop busted open.” 

He explained that what tipped him off were the vertical lacerations on the walls of his workshop’s exterior, as if something “very very hot and dangerous” had perforated the drywall. Unfortunately, he also said that could describe anything in his workshop. “I tried calling the police,” Hobson told the Toike, “but the ad in my AFK Arena app – the best RPG game for the busy you – was loading, so I just decided to wing it.” 

As he entered the workshop, he encountered Kassa Novella, 29-year-old therapist and notorious fanfiction writer who rose to fame after publishing Fix Your Attitude, in a… compromising position. Though her family now disputes this, Hobson stated Novella was trying to reenact a scene from her fanfiction when he entered the workshop. 

Dude.” Hobson took a deep breath, and after a round of AFK Arena, continued, “Dude. My lightsaber, dude.” 

Indeed, the scene in question from her fanfiction uses the lightsaber’s hilt as an object of pleasure, colloquially known as a “dildo”. The fanfiction delves into immense detail on multiple instances Kylo Ren “uses” the whopping 29.8 cm long lightsaber hilt – without accounting for the two tiny slits for the sub-lightsabers on each side – on “you”, the fictional character embodying the reader in the fanfiction. 

“I couldn’t stand it,” Hobson’s voice cracked, “I swear, I didn’t mean to – I mean, I just -” Through tears, Hobson told the Toike how he put what he describes as “the most scarrin’ shit I’ve seen,” to an end: 

“I turned it on.” 

James Hobson is now facing multiple charges, including murder and false advertising – having called the lightsaber a “thick hot rod,” which the prosecution argues justified Kassa Novella’s alleged behaviour. In his preliminary court appearance, he pleaded not guilty, stating, “that bitch deserved it.” 

Though his court date is not yet set, the defense announced earlier this week it will be a trial that will define the century, and “finally put fanfiction writers to an end.” 

In the meantime, all we can do is hope.