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UTSG Cancels 6PM Classes at 5:52PM

In a gesture that warmed the souls – but not the bodies – of hypothermic students everywhere, the University of Toronto graciously informed students this past 28th of January that classes after 6PM would be cancelled. This information was shared via text message sent at 5:52PM.


Taking into account the obvious average travel time of seven fucking minutes to campus by the student body, 83.6% of whom live further than 1 fucking kilometre away, the University authorities wisely gave ample time for students to prepare to not undergo a hypothetical 45 minute commute by sending the cancellation notice 8 fucking minutes beforehand.


“Despite appearances, this isn’t even a fucking satirical article,” reported Spencer Ki, an extremely rare case of a student who was approaching Rosedale subway station on a train, halfway through his commute, when the notification arrived. “I mean, it is a satirical article obviously. But look at that actual fucking screenshot you fucking fuckwits. Who the fuck thought that through?! We should take 40 fucking per cent off the University’s fucking assignment grade due to late submission time.”


When asked who the text message was intended for, given that anyone who was still looking to attend a 6PM class at fucking 5:52PM during a severe cold weather alert and literally record-breaking snowfall would likely already fucking be there and anyone who didn’t intend on losing half of their extremities from frostbite would’ve already fucking decided to stay home, the University responded some shit about 7PM classes and student who already had class during the rest of the day and fuck this it’s too fucking cold I’m going fucking home now.