Happy Amourous October, everyone!
Based on your many, many, many letters to my editor (and the scalding e-mails I received), I can see that September didn’t, um, go quite so well for most of you. Your attempts at intercourse following my advice were, uh, enlightening at best, and sadly heartbreaking at worst. Not to mention the general sense of highly misplaced anger some of you were sending my way.
However, you can call off the threats to my inguinal region, because this time I have a solution that’ll get you back in the game, literally. All you need is a little practice.
Now, I know many of you are jumping out your seats right now, yelling at the pieces of newsprint in your hands “but I did practice you stupid-”. Well, my friends, I’ve been doing some deep thinking and research, and I’ve discovered that you don’t need to be shot down by attractive people over and over again in the real world to become an expert at the art of picking up partners. What you really need is virtual practice.
That’s why I took the step of picking up a virtual reality headset and a copy of “VR Chat” to hone my pick-up skills online. Since none of the avatars in VR Chat will ever pass you in the street or turn you into a university meme, it turns out that it’s a great judgement-free zone for people to pursue their unique version of love.
Now, remember my personal motto: “Dress like Dr. Seuss if you want to seduce” (a close second is “To not reproduce, put on a papoose”). That’s why when I first entered the VR bar, I wore my hottest outfit–a D&D bard outfit, with my trusty lute by my side. After launching into a rendition of “Ragnar the Red” in my finest Argonian accent, I set my sights on the most beautiful being. My first target was a mature anime character, straight out of any weaboo’s 夢精. I confidently walked up and made my move:
Yours Truly: I am now seducing you. [Rolls D&D polyhedral die.] C’mon, c’monnnn– Ha! A 15! You have been successfully seduced! [Puckers lips for a kiss]
He just laughed at me and walked away.
Undeterred, I tried out my luck on yet another character, a gorgeous green giant with a gigantic gizzard, but before the my roll was resolved he giant yelled, “I’m an OGRE, not a giant! We have layers, you stupid donkey!”, and attempted to sit on me. After extracting myself, I continued to roll my d20 die with avatar after avatar – The Last Airbender, James Cameron’s Avatar, James Cameron himself – but I never seemed to have any luck.
I sat down at the bar dejectedly, ordering pint after pint. After a while, I started to feel a little wobbly (although that may have been the headset’s side-effects coming into play). I was as hopeless as you, dear reader, seemingly destined to never find love, whether offline or on.
But then, the most beautiful red creature came up to me and asked in the most gorgeous accent, “Do you know the way?” He then teleported us to his room, where we cuddled on his bed. He rested a a calloused hand on my shoulder, and I accepted his obviously sexual invitation. I closed my eyes and leaned in. Unfortunately, I leaned too far and toppled over headfirst, knocking the VR headset off my head.
Suffice it to say that after last night, I am probably the world’s leading expert in fantastical encounters, if you know what I mean ;). Take it from me when I say all you need is to keep your mind – and heart – open to endless possibilities. Who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky and find yourself a beautiful crimson Ugandan Knuckles of your own.