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Virgin Sex Columnist: Q&A from the Joint

Howdy, everyone!


It’s finally Naughty November time! To help celebrate this most dope of months, I’ve decided to pumpkin spice up your bedrooms by bluntly answering your smokiest questions about the dirty deed, the mature mischief, the slinky sensualness you all seek as well. This Virgin Sex Columnist will give nothing but the most expert advice, direct from the joint.


Q: Yo, if I pull my [SkuleTM Cannon] 24/7, will my [Cannon] eventually reach the moon? [*Deep puff, exhale*] Yo, I could be the first human to ever [ejaculate] on the moon!!! WHOOOO! – Puff the Magic Puller


A: Sorry to deflate your magic dragon, Puff, but I can tell you right now that your plan literally makes no sense. Believe me – from experience, you can pull on a Cannon as much as you want, but it’s more likely to catch fire than grow any longer (let alone impress your partner).


Q: Where is the G Spot? My partner says it doesn’t exist, but I think they’re just not searching hard enough. – Kyle


A: Ah, the mysterious G Spot. I’ve attempted many times to personally adventure for this most mythical of Atlantises, with no luck. However, I’ve heard tales, stories of long, long late midnights, when a spot opens on campus where Lady Godiva herself appears and blesses the onlooker with the sexual prowess of a thousand engineers: the “Godiva” spot. I won’t give up, though–I know that with just a little more work I’ll be able to remove this curse (and finally quit this column).


Q: Whoa…I just realized that since, like, my [Lady Godiva] is, like, directly connected through a long tube to my mouth…that means, like, swallowing during [oral intercourse] can lead to the preggers? – Bonger in Bahen


A: Hi Bonger. I’d like to start off by saying that that is absolutely incorrect anatomically and physiologically. Your gastrointestinal (GI) tract runs from your mouth to your anus and does not include your fallopian tubes, else pregnant people would shit babies. And, well, even if your fallopian tubes were a part of your digestive tract, they’d have to, like, be connected to your esophagus or something. Stomach acid would probably destroy sperm and, even if they make it to your small intestine intact, pancreatic enzymes and bile would break them down. These are just two of the ways in which your body might destroy sperm. Hell, your immune system may recognise them as foreign (your GI tract is lined with lymphatic tissue, but you probably already knew that) and send, like, macrophages and neutrophils to destroy them. So no, swallowing cannot lead to the preggers.


Get wrekt