Can you smell that in the air tonight? That cool air? That wet feeling in your socks? That’s right – it’s time to bring that wet feeling from your socks to your genitals, because it’s time to wish you all a Happy New Year! However, this year I’m going to stop making resolutions, because it’s time… for a New Year’s Revolution. A sexual revolution, that is! *HIP-HOP AIR HORNS*

Let’s face it: it’s been fifty years since the sexual liberation of the 1960s, and I think it’s about time to provide freedom to the segment of the population who missed out on the liberation of the sixties. That’s right, I’m talking about those of us who stayed indoors, failed the pickup at the bar, put up with the torturous sound of their neighbors’ lovemaking going allllll night: the virgins.

This New Year’s, I’m here to provide a brilliant one-point plan to lead a new inexperienced revolution, an immature mutiny, a celebration of our sexual ineptitude.

My plan is the following: CHANGE THE DEFINITION OF SEX.

Let’s face it, the only reason there are virgins is because our anti-virgin sexual society set up these divisions in the first place! The only true way to achieve peace between those cursed lovemakers and our lovable non-lovemaking community is to simply change what sex means. Instead of letting sex be, um…(mostly fisting, right? Wait, is water also necessary? I know all sex involves fisting, but is evaporation a part of the natural sex cycle?) Well, anyway, just think about it; why should sex involve any action? Instead, from now on the official definition of sex shall be:

Sex: (n) Thinking about genitals.

With this, we can finally put a stop to this hell of an eternal No-Nut-November, my unhappy celibate followers! Hijack the Merriam-Webster offices! Overrun those Oxford Dictionary scallywags! Take Dictionary.com as our hostage! We need to show these misinformed abusers of the English Sexual Language that they need to listen to the PEOPLE! That’s when we’ll be free, my fellow soon-to-be non-virgins! Soon, we’ll have erased all sexual stigma, and we’ll be the ones in control! (…And I’ll finally be able to look my parents proudly in the eye and tell them I’m no longer writing this column, although they actually weren’t all that surprised to learn I’m doing this. Now that I think about it, it may be why they pushed me towards an engineering degree in the first place.)

Viva la Virginal Révolution!

Editor’s Note: The Toike Oike does not condone any physical acts of violence, and the opinions in this piece solely belong to the above virgin and possibly other individuals scarred by eternal No-Nut-November.