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Vowels on Sale This Week on Wheel of Fortune

After 47 years on air, Wheel of Fortune has decided to mix things up, declaring that next week, for the first time ever, vowels are going on sale. The syndicated show that first premiered in 1975 hopes this move will be a game changer for the contestants and the show’s ratings.

“We’re all very excited about the big sale next month,” cheered producer Ian Benes. “It really shakes things up! When contestants had to buy vowels at full price we had to constrain the vowel-to-consonant ratio. You’d be surprised how cheap these people are.”

Questioned about the timing of the move, Benes told us the sale was aimed at dismantling their two biggest competitors, The Price is Right and Jeopardy. “After 45 years of coming in third in ratings, this is our time to take them down. We missed our shot when Bob Barker stepped down. We thought Drew Carey would drop the Plinko chip and we would neuter his ass, but go figure, he’s great (apparently it’s his line anyway).”

As for Jeopardy, Benes added: “Alex Trebek hasn’t aged since the 90s (What are steroids and hyperbaric chamber therapy?), so we’re taking matters into our own hands with this sale. Overall, it’s a gigantic move for us and it really sends a message to those other game shows. It says the Wheel of Fortune is still rolling, and its rolling right for you”

“Honestly, I’m bored out of my mind here,” bitched longtime host Pat Sajak. “This show is torture. I’ve been watching adults spell since the 80s. Anything to spice this up.”

When asked what his long time sidekick and local stick figure Vanna White thought about the sale, he responded, “I envy Vanna, I really do. At least she gets to walk around, get a bit of exercise. I’m stuck up here with these mouth breathers from Nowheresville, USA who are at a glorified adult spelling bee.

As for what his contestants thought of the sale, Sajak added, “They always shake my hand, and it’s fucking horrible. These people all have wet clammy hands and can’t spell to save their lives. I actually have a Purell bottle in each of my pockets.”

“I hosted Jeopardy once,” Sajak muttered bitterly, taking a swig from his Purell bottle and dragging hard on his cigarette. “God, I envy Alex. He’s 20 feet from them and they’re actually smart. You know they wash their hands when they go to the bathroom. Meanwhile, I’m in the zoo trying to get these monkeys to recite the alphabet and read out loud what all three of them just spelled.”