A Happy New Year to you, Dear Reader, and here’s to navigating January’s jams with justifiable jolliness! Speaking of jams, recently I’ve been encouraged by a minority subset of my audience to expand my horizons and explore the purposefully painful pickles that some erotic artisans choose to put themselves in. To that end, I have decided to devote this article to exploring the history of one of the world’s most misunderstood sexual practices: BDSM (which I believe stands for “Bridles, Domestication, Serfdom, and Meshugge-ness”). The history of such a meshugge practice goes all the way back to the Medieval period, when people apparently had some very interesting ideas of how to spend time in their bedrooms.
First up, of course, is the classic chastity belt, something that I will neither confirm nor deny that my previous partner put on me to “protect the world from one more soporific sexual misencounter,” as they allegedly did not state. The belt is… I mean, was very uncomfortable to wear for long periods of time. It also is, I mean, was extremely unhygienic – which apparently floated the boat of quite a few BDSM devotees.
Additionally for men, some allegedly chose to be outfitted with round metal rings that were supplied with studs, a warning to others not to touch or in any manner accidentally interfere with this person’s pleasure. Apparently being unable to achieve a full, um, “extension” of one’s genitals was a desirable thing for early adopters of these sharp discreet cages.
One particularly fascinating toy invented in the Middle Ages was the Pear of Anguish. This metal “pear” was apparently inserted into a hole, and then by using a screw mechanism it would, uh, expand until the person’s insides would almost burst…which, uh, doesn’t seem particularly sexy, but maybe there’s something there for those submissive virgins who enjoy internal bleeding.
Another early invention were wooden phalluses that after your lover used them would leave behind little splinters, which I’m told would then grow into little mini shrubs inside of their butts? I guess it was like early artificial insemination or something, but for trees… which is actually an inspiring environmental message!
Interestingly, it seems Vlad the Impaler was very fond of BDSM, and one of its most early adopters! I’m reading here that he would regularly seat his partners on 12-foot long pointed poles as they would both relish in the pain as the partner gradually slid further and further down on the sharp end. I guess the pleasure was so incredible that they didn’t want to get off, because it says here that most people who used it died in three days! Just goes to show how passionate these early adopters were about their newfound painfully pleasurable practice, even willing to die to advocate for their sexual freedom to, uh, I guess impale themselves on sharp poles.
Oh, the Spanish Donkey – no, no, no, I refuse to read this by principle! Absolutely not. What? You’re saying no donkeys are involved? Then why… okay, let’s see, what on earth did the Spanish and the donkey have to do with…? Huh. It seems the participant sat on a sharp wooden board with weights attached to their feet, with weight added until their genitals were slowly split in two? Kind of seems like a less effective way to grow trees inside of you, but I suppose, to each their own.
Well, hopefully this has been a very informative (and concerning) look at historical BDSM. I guess it’s a good thing that we’ve moved on from these past archaic tools and can now sensibly spank each other with a rose or just drip hot wax like that one scene in The Wolf of Wall Street. However, if you really want to get back to the roots of pleasure through pain, maybe try sitting on a 12-foot pole for a few days to experience what it was like for the early practitioners of this ancient sexual tradition.