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Eng Sci Reduces Monthly Course Load to 420 Hours!

In a surprise move from the Division of Engineering Science, there will be a one-time-only reduction of monthly course loads down to 420 hours for all students. While they did not disclose their motives for the massive reduction, some are speculating this could be a response to the recent cannabis legalization. Many also think this [...]

Weed is Harmless

JEFF’S MOTHER’S HOUSE, GREEKTOWN – “Man, weed hasn’t ever killed anyone,” puffed Jeff Papadopoulos, resting his blunt on a pile of dry leaves and paper scraps, “Name one guy who died because of weed.”   Papadopoulos, 23, lives in his mother’s home just off of the Danforth. Built in 1918 and almost immediately purchased by [...]

Norm and Gord Discuss Marijuana

This monthly column features a titillating discussion between brothers Norman and Gordon McLuhan from Moose Jaw. This month’s column is sponsored by Doug Ford. Doug Ford – now serving drugs, again!   Norm: Good day, I’m Norm McLuhan, and this is my brother, Gord – Gord: Hi there. Norm: – and today we’re gonna discuss, [...]

Elon Musk Self-Declared Martian Emperor

It has recently come to light that Elon Musk is currently on Mars, ruling over his rover subjects. A few months ago, Elon Musk sent his prized Tesla Roadster off into space, complete with a space suit as its sole occupant. Except that the space suit wasn’t empty. Yes, Elon had hidden himself in the [...]

Toronto Stoners Re-Elect “Meh” in Municipal Election

Mobilising their typically sluggish voting power, the stoner electoral bloc was successful this past election in re-electing “Meh” to the government of Toronto.   “This is, like, a real victory for our culture, man.” Said organic hemp rope artisan and prominent stoner activist Chereighblossom “Norman” Rainbow-Anderson, in the aftermath of the election, “only, like, the [...]

Aunt May Worried Peter Parker Hooked on Mary Jane

In Loving Memory of Stan Lee (1922-2018)   QUEENS, NEW YORK — Teenaged übernerd Peter Parker has become hooked on Mary Jane.   “It’s a serious problem,” sighed retired New Yorker May Parker. “He sneaks out every night. He thinks I don’t know… But I know what he’s doing. He spends all of his allowance [...]

Report: Tim Got So Faded he Faded From History

RANDOM PARQUETTE, TORONTO – “Who?” asked a perplexed Sarah Carter, mother of Tim Hutchins-Carter. “I don’t have a son.”   Reports – or perhaps the lack thereof – out of the local gazette indicate Tim Hutchins-Carter, a local stoner, phased out of both spacetime and known history upon consuming nine grams of potent marijuana in [...]

Man Goes to Hamilton, Has Bad Trip

HAMILTON, ON – “I wanna throw up,” muttered Grant Kaplan upon arriving in Hamilton for a four-day, three-night stay.   “There’s literally nothing to do here.”   …   *This article could not be completed due to their being literally nothing to write about the subject of the city of Hamilton*

Inside an ArtSci’s Mind: Recording the Complexities of an ArtSci Brain

From September 19 to September 20, 2018, an engineering student placed a recording device in an ArtSci’s brain and taped their inner thoughts for 24 hours. The following are the unfiltered recordings, compiled together for your convenience.   08:15:03 AM: What fresh HELL DO YOU HAVE TO THROW AT ME TODAY STARBUCKS? NO PUMPKIN SPICE? [...]

Agriculture Enrollment at All-Time High

Applications for University of Saskatchewan’s agricultural science program have hit an all-time high this year. Jonathan Maerys, recruiter for the program, offered the following update: “Registration for the 2019-2020 school year began on October 17, and already we have seen a sizable wave of applicants. Last year, we saw a total enrollment of 6 students [...]

Point-Counterpoint: PCP vs PCP

The Probabilistically Checkable Proofs Theorem, introduced by  Arora, Lund, Motwani, Szegedy, and Sudan, among others, in 1992, states that every mathematical proof can be written in a format that allows probabilistic checking by making only a constant number of queries to the proof. The theorem – not only extremely interesting by itself – was a [...]

Jack Tanner Appeals Drug Conviction Based on Legalization of Marijuana

With the legalization of marijuana now in effect across the Enchanted Forest, those citizens previously convicted of drug-related crimes have been anxiously awaiting a decision as to whether or not they will be pardoned. However, with Prime Minister Charming’s announcement that only those arrested for possession of a small amount of marijuana will be pardoned, [...]

Jack and the Weedstalk

Once upon a time, there was an old widow who lived with her son, Jack, on their farm. Unfortunately for Jack and his mother, they were poor and barely had enough money to keep themselves fed. One day, Jack’s mother turned to him and said “Jack, we need to sell the cow so that we [...]

A Cannabis Connoisseur’s Guide to Toking

Ah, the subtle aroma of a high-brow joint while overlooking my estate’s hemp fields… truly an enlightening pleasure. Unlike the basest of pedestrian herb, I purvey only the finest of marijuana strains, and give counsel on how to best appreciate this refined tradition of “toking up”.   Firstly, you need to know the essentials of [...]

Virgin Sex Columnist: Q&A from the Joint

Howdy, everyone!   It’s finally Naughty November time! To help celebrate this most dope of months, I’ve decided to pumpkin spice up your bedrooms by bluntly answering your smokiest questions about the dirty deed, the mature mischief, the slinky sensualness you all seek as well. This Virgin Sex Columnist will give nothing but the most [...]

Strange Indeed: A High Review of Doctor Strange

What’s up my fellow stoned cinephiles of SkuleTM? This month’s high movie review is gonna be for Marvel’s Doctor Strange starring Bureaucrat Cummerbund. I was on some pretty strong stuff for this one so I’m not sure what the fuck was actually happening in the film. I mean, at one point, I thought Crabapple’s hand [...]

Local Adult Bothered by Sentient Headache

THE ANNEX, TORONTO – Young adult and amateur alcoholic Karen Izsharen awoke one Saturday afternoon to the worst hangover in recorded history. Medical doctors reported that her headache was ‘so bad that it’s like it had a mind of its own.’   “I AM OZYMANDIAS, KING OF KINGS. LOOK ON MY WORKS AND DESPAIR,” throbbed [...]