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Bodacious Potions for the Frustrated Engineer

This a guide to the subtleties of brewing potions essential to engineering students. Herein, you will learn to make three basic concoctions that can ensnare, accelerate, tolerate, integrate, differentiate, fortify, clarify, detoxify, heighten senses, and possibly improve the general well-being of the user.   Beware! These potions are only meant for those with robust constitution [...]

Dark Ruler Violates City Zoning

A new body cam video released this week reveals an alarming encounter between a city official and Zxenead, Dark Ruler of the Eternal Twilight and Eldritch Cosmos. The city official visited Zxenead’s castle, which emerged from a dimensional rift in the middle of Nathan Phillips Square at 12:00 AM the night before. The castle violates [...]

Skule™ Fantasies Revealed

This month, staff from the Toike Oike reached out to the University of Toronto’s engineering students in an effort to uncover the Skule™ community’s deepest, darkest fantasies. The results of this survey were initially intended to be sold to Google for their data repository. Below, we’ve compiled the top responses from students across campus.   [...]

EngSci Adds New Class to Required Curriculum

Early yesterday morning, Engineering Science Chair Nada Wizaad stated that the program would be adding another course to the already full first year course load. The class, “MUG100: Introduction to Interaction and Assimilation” will help students achieve success both in school and after graduation. This course seeks to teach the students about how everyday people [...]

“Do You Take Marzipan in Your Spaghetti, Mr. Squirrel? For I Always Do When I Dance the Merengue!”

From the Toike Vault Written in the days preceding Carroll’s death in 1898, “Do You Take Marzipan in Your Spaghetti, Mr. Squirrel? For I Always Do When I Dance the Merengue!” was Lewis Carroll’s final work. Also known as “The Ballad of Ricky Bobby,” it has gone unpublished for over a century. The Toike Oike’s [...]

Norm and Gord Discuss Fantasy

This monthly column features a titillating discussion between brothers Norman and Gordon McLuhan from Moose Jaw. This month’s column is sponsored by Good-Paying Jobs. Good-Paying Jobs – your ultimate adult fantasy.   Norm: Hi, I’m Norm McLuhan, and this is my brother, Gord – Gord: Hi there. Norm: – and today we’re gonna discuss, uh, [...]

A Critical Analysis of Animated Animals

Most people think the prettiest thing is Mufasa, those muscular legs, red mane, strong leader, damn. Others like a man with a mysterious past and a scar to match like, well, Scar. But really Kovu is where it’s at. That’s right from number 2. That badass coat colour, punk hair style with mad flow, like [...]

Evil Kings Announce New Supergroup

In a press release last Tuesday, the Witch-King, the Lich King, and the King of the Wild Hunt announced the formation of their new rock supergroup Witch Lich Hunt. Eredin, the King of the Wild Hunt, will provide vocals and bass, while the Lich King Arthas and the Witch-King of Angmar, Black Captain, Lord of [...]

JRPG Bosses Using Forms to Conceal Illegal Investments

A shocking investigation by the CRA last Tuesday found that several notorious JRPG bosses have been using their alternate forms to purchase investments and conduct shady financial maneuvers. Over 80 bosses have now been arrested and are awaiting further trial. Said Chief Investigator Steve Cloud, “These crooks have been using their more powerful forms for [...]

Virgin Sex Columnist: Chasing Your Virtual Fantasy

Happy Amourous October, everyone!   Based on your many, many, many letters to my editor (and the scalding e-mails I received), I can see that September didn’t, um, go quite so well for most of you. Your attempts at intercourse following my advice were, uh, enlightening at best, and sadly heartbreaking at worst. Not to [...]

Harry Potter Sex

What’s that, you want to learn about the intricacies and perversities of sexual pleasure in the wizarding world? A glimpse into the dirty minds of witches and wizards in Hogwarts? Obviously you do because you’re reading this article, you fucking pervert. So what, you saw the headline Harry Potter Sex and just had to dive [...]

Marigold “Goldie” Locks Arrested for Burglary

EFPD HEADQUARTERS, ENCHANTED FOREST – Over the past few years, the quaint community of the Enchanted Forest has seen innumerable crimes go unsolved, leaving many residents feeling uncertain about the safety of their happily ever afters. Late last night, the Enchanted Forest’s Chief of Police Grizz Christian Lee announced that officers had a breakthrough in [...]

Local “Hobbit” Charged With Murder 556 Years Later, Sentenced to Death by Volcano

March 25, 3019th year of the Third Age   BREAKING: Sméagol, better known by his alias “Gollum”, was sentenced to death by volcano just moments after an assault on a backpacking hobbit visiting Sammath Naur, a historical site within Mount Doom.   The sentence was met with overwhelming approval from the Council of Elrond, who [...]

The Toike Reviews… “THE SKY CRIES DARKNESS”

“How could our love ever exist in this dystopia?” asked Lilypad, her voice quivering. Are those tears she’s choking on, or the Sorcerer’s betrayal? How could she ever think that she could reunite the 23 realms like her ancestors did all those centuries ago without losing all those she loved – and a piece of [...]

MYHealth: U of T’s New Approach to Increasing Activity in Students

In order to combat the rising tide of obesity as well as the lack of physical activity performed by the majority of the engineering community, the Faculty of Applied Science and Engineering has decided to roll out a new “built-in” fitness plan to the recently opened Myhal Centre for Engineering Innovation and Entrepreneurship.   Working [...]

Alice Unsure if She’s Actually in Wonderland or That Really Was a Sheet of Acid

UNKNOWN LOCATION IN TIME AND SPACE – “Dude, not again,” exclaimed an exasperated Alice after tumbling several feet down either a rabbit hole or a manhole. “Fuck me, I shouldn’t have eaten that guy’s gum wrapper on a dare.”   Alice, now twenty-seven years old, had previously fallen down a rabbit hole at age seven [...]

Andy Serkis Opens Andy Circus

Actor Andy Serkis, best known for portraying Gollum in Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy and Caesar in the Planet of the Apes reboot, has opened a circus appropriately called the Andy Circus. The circus features Serkis himself as the main act, reprising his past roles in just a motion capture suit. Serkis initially [...]

Local Hipster Was Totally Into One Ring Before Anyone Else

“Sit anywheres you like,” hissed Gollum, gesturing to a non-descript, fair-trade boulder near the centre of his studio cave in the up-and-coming neighbourhood beneath the Misty Mountains. “Is the reporterses hungry? We has fresh, local fishes for you to snacks on as an amuse-bouche! Very juicy!”   Gollum pours me a goblin skull full of [...]

Timetables: Engineering’s Most Unrealistic Fantasy

The dragon and the Donkey in Shrek can actually have babies, Frodo can resist the goddamn Ring, but you, my fellow engineer, will never have a manageable timetable! You might be a Frosh and still have that tiny speck of hope, but oh my naive friend, you’ll lose that hope faster than a cheetah runs. [...]

“Blame on Both Sides” for Violent Clashes in Osgiliath

Lord Denethor, son of Ecthelion, said there was “blame on both sides” for the violent clashes that erupted in Osgiliath over the weekend, equating the actions of Orcish invaders and Dunlendings with those of Gondorians who gathered to challenge them.   “I’m not putting anybody on a moral plane. You had one group on one [...]

Ryerson Golden Ram Had Nothing Worth Stealing, U of T Responds by Building New Newsstand

In response to the recent theft of a Toike Oike newsstand by members of the nefarious criminal syndicate of illiterate “engineers”  known only as the Ryerson Golden Ram, members of Skule™’s most beloved publication, the Toike Oike, decided that such a wanton act of disrespect could not be tolerated. However, when a group of Toike [...]