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Point-Counterpoint: Yes vs. No

Yes! All right. Alright, alright, alright. Very well, of course. By all means, sure. Certainly. Absolutely. Indeed. In the affirmative. Agreed. Roger that! 10-4 good, buddy. Aye aye, cap’n! Yeah, yah, yep, yup, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!! Uh-huh… okay. Okey-dokey artichokey, okey-doke. Achcha. Right-o, righty-ho. Surely, right?  Yea. Mhmm, fo sho. Hell YEAH motha-fucka!   No, no way. [...]

Point-Counterpoint: European Swallows vs. African Swallows

I think we can agree that European swallows are the far superior bird based on the simple fact that they are migratory. Think of all the things a European swallow has seen over the years.   Ah hee he he he ha. HA HA HE HE HE HE!   Hmm. I suppose the fact that [...]

Point-Counterpoint: Ducks Rotate Like a Corkscrew During Sex vs. Duck Penises Bunch Up and Rotate On Their Own

It seriously just makes sense – have you ever seen a duck penis? If you have not, let me enlighten you: it’s a corkscrew. How else would they do it?   But the SCIENCE. Let’s think about the math. How fast would the duck have to be spinning to successfully thrust? I’ve actually done the [...]

How to Pass as an Immortal Being

Are you tired of restless nights spent pondering mortality, instead of that programming assignment in dire need of divine intervention? Do you want to seem cool and sexy in that ageless sort of way that compels English majors worldwide to craft Tumblr essays theorizing about your possible role as a Shakespearean muse? Are your student [...]

Norm and Gord Discuss Elderberries

This monthly column features a titillating discussion between brothers Norman and Gordon McLuhan from Moose Jaw. This month’s column is sponsored by the BBC. BBC – England’s favourite porn category.   Norm: Hi, I’m Norm McLuhan, and this is my brother, Gord – Gord: Hi there! Norm: – and today we’re gonna discuss, uh, elderberries. [...]

Virgin Sex Columnist: Monty Python’s March Sadness

I’m disappointed, everyone. Suffice it to say that – no, you know what? No sufficement this time, not after the lack-luster response this past month. Thanks for nothing, guys. Every time I get a notification with some photo identifying the love of my life, you know what I see? Shams. Frauds. Duds. Every single email! [...]

Pardon Me, Good Sir, I Don’t Mean To Interrupt…

Pardon me, good sir, I don’t mean to interrupt but – and I offer my sincerest apologies once again for interrupting, I do understand how frustrating it can be when one is interrupted, there is nothing more rude than an interruption, except perhaps arriving late to a dinner party where one has prepared a rich [...]

Casual Football Fan Doesn’t Quite Understand

EMIRATES STADIUM, LONDON – 23-year-old information technology specialist and self-proclaimed “footy superfan or whatever” Morris Mawss appeared out of place amidst the scenes of Saturday’s North London derby.   “Yeaaaaaah,” pathetically cried the man-child, eliciting a stare amidst the boos from Gunners fans following a goal by Spurs’ and England striker Harry Kane.   Things [...]

PLEASE GIVE US YOUR MONEY!

Please give us your money, please. Look at this paper; don’t you like it? Well thanks to numerous advances by the Ford administration, we are very concerned about whether we’ll have enough money to keep this glorious enterprise afloat. We were able to prevent censorship for so long – I mean, what other paper had [...]

Trial Begins for “King Arthur” and the Round Table Gang

CAMELOT COURTHOUSE – The trial of the century began Thursday as the prosecution and the defence made their opening arguments in the murder trial of the Round Table Gang. It was just one year ago that the members of the Gang were captured by law enforcement, including Lance Lotus, Marvin Bedevere, and the leader of [...]

Sir Elfrid Bedevere Releases New Book on Science

In an unexpected appearance on Tim the Enchanter’s Wake Up with Tim or I’ll Feed You to the Rabbit of Caerbannog, Sir Elfrid Bedevere, known for his time as King Arthur’s wisest and most trusted knight during his quest for the Holy Grail, announced the release of his new book: Understanding the World Through Logical [...]

EngSoc Changes Election Process for President

After a record-low turnout for the most recent Engineering Society Officer elections, EngSoc has announced a proposed change to the elections process. Rather than continue to allow students to ignore their right to vote for their President, all interested candidates will now be required to report to the Nathan Phillips Square pond where the next [...]

The Four “Worst” Places On Campus to Have Sex!

It seems like all the chatter is about the best places to “do the dirty” on the lovely campus of UofT. It has come to my attention that this is a harsh injustice to all of the places that might not be the best places to “get it on.” Functionality isn’t everything people! Keep on [...]

“Journalist” Taunted While Attempting to Interview Castle Residents

As I approach the castle of Guy de Loimbard, I can’t help but notice the elegance of the simplistic exterior. The grey stone contrasts well with the lush green countryside on which it sits and the vibrant blue sky behind it. The turrets give the fortress a classic and timeless look. As I come closer [...]

Black Knight’s Doctor Ends Silence

After nearly 45 years of silence, Peter Armisoff, a retired surgeon, has finally agreed to speak publicly about his most high-profile patient: The Black Knight, who we will refer to as Matt for the remainder of the article. “I think most people know about how Matt was viciously attacked and mostly dismembered by that guy [...]