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Current Issue

Upstart Tabloid Rag “The Boundary” is Fake News

RE: “’Toike Oike’ Circulation Reaches Double-Digits as Shivering Students Begin Using Paper as Fire-Starter”, published by The Boundary, March 8, 2018.   What the fuck did you just fucking say about us, you little tabloid rag? Well have you know we graduated top of our class in the ClickHole Academy of Reporting, and weve been [...]

How to Write Toike Poetry for Dummies

So you would like to pen a rhyme, Sonnet, or verse, spoken in time? Read the next lines and come to see, Anyone can write great poetry!   Start by discarding syllable count, Your poem’s words should be constrained by no set amount. Follow up next by getting rid of meter, Some darn fancy rhythm [...]

Point-Counterpoint: This is How You Write a Point-Counterpoint! Vs. No *This* is How You Write a Point-Counterpoint

Obviously, to begin a Point-Counterpoint section, one must first assume a viewpoint in a certain argument.   No, you uninformed cretin, obviously you have to choose a debate to take sides on first!   Excuse me, you uneducated imbecile, obviously intelligent beings like myself would have taken that first assumption as axiomatic to the topic [...]

President of the United States Does Presidential Things

Speaking at a political town hall in northern Virginia yesterday, the incumbent President of the United States thoroughly and painstakingly laid out his administration’s comprehensive plan for accomplishing the remainder of the goals promised during his campaign. Speaking in what audience members described as a calm and collected manner, the President began by explaining his [...]

Depressed Man Miraculously Cured After Taking Advice to “Stop Being Sad”

THAT SKETCHY BURGER KING ON THE CORNER OF COLLEGE & SPADINA, TORONTO – Taking a friend’s advice to “stop being sad,” local resident Elijah Mohe has been miraculous cured of his crippling depression. The recent graduate of the University of Toronto has fallen on hard times after discovering five years of education has rendered him [...]

Norm and Gord Discuss Trees

This monthly column features a titillating discussion between brothers Norman and Gordon McLuhan from Moose Jaw. This month’s column is sponsored by Parks Canada. Parks Canada – pet our bears, just don’t feed the geese.   Norm: Hi, I’m Norm McLuhan, and this is my brother, Gord – Gord: Hey there. Norm: – and today [...]

ArtSci Infiltrates Toike, Writes Article

STORAGE CABINET, ENGCOM – If you’re reading this, I’m already gone. They found me – they got me. I have been subsumed into the giant, inebriated mass that is engineering subculture. Tell my mother I love her, and tell my father when he gets back from the gas station that it shouldn’t take seven years [...]

Penis Enlargement for Dummies

Men, we all know the old saying: it’s not the motion of the ocean, but the size of the boat that counts. Regrettably, not all of us were born with the gift of a large penis, leaving us feeling deeply insecure about whether or not we can please the women or men we love or [...]

1/32 Spanish Man Suddenly Patriotic for World Cup

REAL SPORTS BAR & GRILL, TORONTO – The FIFA World Cup is the world’s largest sporting event, drawing individuals from every corner of  the globe to a recently impoverished region of a developed country. For many of us, it’s a time to embrace our ethnicities or celebrate our nationalities regardless of our love for fútbol. [...]

Virgin Sex Columnist: Learning from James Bond

Wazzupp, Skule™? I’ve been hearing from a lot of people lately who’ve been criticizing my ability to write a Sex Advice column and accusing me of ignorance on the matters of pleasing a partner just because I’m a so-called “virgin.” Don’t worry, dear reader, as I won’t allow this disgraceful discrimination against an oppressed minority [...]

How to Write a Toike Article for Dummies

Hello, dear reader! Are you, beloved reader, reading all of these articles and wondering, “hey, how did all of these [professional comedians]/[humourless imbeciles] write all of [these wonderful articles]/[this atrocious filth and still get funding for a newspaper]?” Wonder no more, cherished reader, because, precious reader, this is the definitive guide to writing Toike articles. [...]

“Why Can’t You Throw A Football Like Your Older, More Handsome Brother?”

Hey champ, your mom said you’d be up here. How’re you holding up? Eyes a little red… You been cryin’ up here, boy? Ah, it’s alright. I’d be crying too if I played as badly as you today… Sorry, sorry…  I know that the past couple of games have been a little rough, but that’s [...]

5 Completely Safe and Natural Ways to Purge the Purple: A Guide for Newbie Frosh

So, you’ve decided to attend your first U of T Engineering Frosh Week, and we all know what that comes with. Why, I remember my own Frosh week like it was yesterday: the hardhats, the shouting competitions, the unending summer heat, observing and appreciating all sorts of brass sculptures, more shouting over each other, and, [...]

Dummies for Dummies – A Guide to Being a Dummy

Are you a complete idiot who has dreams of becoming a perfectly still clothing model? Do you have a desire to be made almost entirely of plastic? We can only help you with the first, as humanity has not yet found a way to replace our weak, pathetic flesh-organs with undying plastic ones! Read on, [...]

Ford Collects 76 Infinity Ridings, Makes Half Your Social Services Disappear

The most ambitious election event in Ontario history is over, and despite the assembled powers of a quirky team of unlikely allies, Doug Ford has succeeded in capturing 176 Infinity Ridings, giving him unlimited power over life, reality, and existence in Ontario.   Although long projected to form government, the magnitude of the majority captured [...]