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Issue: March 2016

Peter Cargill gets a personal shoutout after complaining about the Web Editor

Posted on: March 17th, 2016

“What a b**ch.” -Web Editor

Quiz: Are You a Goat?

Posted on: March 16th, 2016

Are you a goat? Find out with this Quick Quiz™! 1. What do you call your children? A. Kids B. Lambs C. Hatchlings D. Meh-eh-eeh! 2. How many cliffs have you scaled in the past week? A. Only one, but it’s your home B. None C. Three D. More, but can’t count past four because […]

Student’s 27th Pencil Breaks During Exam

Posted on: March 15th, 2016

If Only She had Brought 28

FBI Orders Internet Users to Hand Over All the Pornography for “Uhh… An Investigation”

Posted on: March 15th, 2016

WASHINGTON, D.C. In what is being described as an “unexpected” application of the All Writs Act of 1789, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced on Tuesday the immediate seizure of all digital pornographic material in the United States. Describing the initiative as a “critical national security matter” the official announcement from the FBI noted that […]

First Years Hot-Box Entire Pit

Posted on: March 15th, 2016

Firefighters Barely Manage to Control Blaze in Sandford Fleming Building

Ask An Artsci!

Posted on: March 15th, 2016

Dear Annie, Are there physical phenomena, such as wave function collapse or black holes, which irrevocably destroy information about their prior states? Smaar Taas Dear Smaar Taas Well, first we must ask ourselves – are there even physical phenomena? Given that we don’t really exist, the answer is clearly no. Also, I think I saw […]

Toike Editor Forbids Publication of Nietzche Joke

Posted on: March 15th, 2016

Following his refusal to publish an extremely niche joke in February’s issue, Editor-In-Chief Ryan Williams once again shot down a joke that was put forward during an ideas meeting by one of the staff writers. This time, he claimed the joke was too Nietzsche, and that nobody would find it funny. In fact, his exact […]

Bayes for Baes

Posted on: March 15th, 2016

A Rigorously Mathematical Investigation of Romance

ToikeTV Episode 2 on Hiatus

Posted on: March 15th, 2016

Production for ToikeTV Episode 2, the highly anticipated sequel to 2014’s ToikeTV Episode 0, is now on hiatus. “After a long wait, I’m proud to announce that filming and editing for ToikeTV Episode 2 is on an indefinite hiatus. Instead, the cast and crew of ToikeTV will be taking their talents to Skule Nite,” announced […]

Targeted Advertising Becoming Increasingly Specific

Posted on: March 15th, 2016

As society’s attention span gets smaller and smaller, sociologists predict that corporate advertisements will begin to target fewer people at a time. “One generic ad just doesn’t cut it anymore,” says Mark Etting, Marketing Director of Marketing, Inc. “What with today’s  veritable sea of promotional material designed to attract the majority, consumers are becoming very […]

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