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VP COMMUNICATIONS (NOT) RECALLED

Posted on: January 25th, 2022

Your Mom’s Basement, 2021 – Holy FUCK that was the most boring Annual General Meeting (AGM) I’ve ever attended. What’s that? I have to be professional and not use the first-person narrative? But the Cannon Newspaper does it all the time… Oh. Okay. In any case – congratulations officers, you deserve a ✨gold✨medal✨ for displaying […]

Supposed signs of life in The Pit? The Toike Oike investigates

Posted on: January 25th, 2022

In-person school, not online – After returning from Zoom school, engineering students at the University of Toronto have made a shocking discovery – The Pit, the current habitat of engineering students in the basement of Sanford Fleming, is showing potential signs of an ecosystem. Specific indicators include raccoon droppings, unknown fast organisms scurrying on the […]

OPINION: Your Opinion is Stupid and I Don’t Wanna Hear It

Posted on: January 25th, 2022

If I wanted your opinion… Maybe, just maybe, I would’ve asked? I thought this was a newspaper, not a whatyouthinkpaper. If you’re submitting things to print in a fine establishment such as this, I would ask you to gather some legitimate sources and make a coherent argument.
Then again, a lot of these opinion pieces are in… less scrupulous publications that start with a “C.”

Claude et Jean-Luc Discuss Dora the Explorer

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

Back by popular demand, this column features the somewhat heated discussion between half-brothers Claude and Jean-Luc Cournoyer. This column is sponsored by Champagne, France. Remember – if it’s not from Champagne, it’s just sparkling wine Claude: Salut mes amis! I am called Claude. Jean-Luc: – et je m’appelle Jean-Luc. Claude: Today we are going to […]

Top 5 disney thirst traps

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

For a company typically known for its family friendly image, Disney Animation knows how to create some delectable looking men. In honour of this cast of appetizing morsels of man meat, I have run down the top five best thirst traps from the Disney universe.   Tarzan, Tarzan We’re gonna start real simple here. This […]

An homage to the map carpet

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

We all know the map carpet. Yeah, the one that was in the play area of your kindergarten classroom, or if you were lucky enough, maybe even in your house. A pinnacle of educational play, every five-year old walked away with a deep understanding of transportation networks and zoning policy. So much about a person’s being was revealed […]

How Pixar made me an addict: A surprisingly wholesome tale. No seriously, it’s so wholesome we are confused as to why it’s here.

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

Speed. I am speed.    *Insane flyby noises that made every kids jaw drop in the movie theater*.    One winner, forty two losers. I eat losers for breakfast.    *Sound of a tire rubbing hard against the asphalt*.    Breakfast – breaky could be good right? – no, no, no. Focus. Speed. I am […]

Can We Fix It? (No, We Can’t)

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

Couples therapy doesn’t always work, and it’s a sad but honest fact that Bob’s marriage is slowly dissolving.    Sorry to ruin your childhood folks, but Wendy just doesn’t want him anymore. People lose feelings for each other, and it’s okay. Not all marriages are salvageable, and sometimes, damage just has to be done. It’s […]

What’s Really Behind the Plastic?

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

What’s the substitute for blood in the plastic universe? What really happens when an axe cuts in to dismember, for instance, a plastic hand? Does water come out of the wrist? Or does the hand just pop off and leave a hollow arm with no harm done, deep and pervasive emotional scarring aside?    I […]

Dora: Clueless Bitch or Victim of Neglect?

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

Here’s a thought: perhaps, if we were all left to traverse through jungles on our own when we were 4, we might have grown up to be more…independent? In the Dora The Explorer Cinematic Universe, Dora presents herself as a tool to help children learn Spanish, or English or other such languages. Yet, there is […]