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Claude et Jean-Luc Discuss Dora the Explorer

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

Back by popular demand, this column features the somewhat heated discussion between half-brothers Claude and Jean-Luc Cournoyer. This column is sponsored by Champagne, France. Remember – if it’s not from Champagne, it’s just sparkling wine Claude: Salut mes amis! I am called Claude. Jean-Luc: – et je m’appelle Jean-Luc. Claude: Today we are going to […]

Top 5 disney thirst traps

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

For a company typically known for its family friendly image, Disney Animation knows how to create some delectable looking men. In honour of this cast of appetizing morsels of man meat, I have run down the top five best thirst traps from the Disney universe.   Tarzan, Tarzan We’re gonna start real simple here. This […]

An homage to the map carpet

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

We all know the map carpet. Yeah, the one that was in the play area of your kindergarten classroom, or if you were lucky enough, maybe even in your house. A pinnacle of educational play, every five-year old walked away with a deep understanding of transportation networks and zoning policy. So much about a person’s being was revealed […]

How Pixar made me an addict: A surprisingly wholesome tale. No seriously, it’s so wholesome we are confused as to why it’s here.

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

Speed. I am speed.    *Insane flyby noises that made every kids jaw drop in the movie theater*.    One winner, forty two losers. I eat losers for breakfast.    *Sound of a tire rubbing hard against the asphalt*.    Breakfast – breaky could be good right? – no, no, no. Focus. Speed. I am […]

Can We Fix It? (No, We Can’t)

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

Couples therapy doesn’t always work, and it’s a sad but honest fact that Bob’s marriage is slowly dissolving.    Sorry to ruin your childhood folks, but Wendy just doesn’t want him anymore. People lose feelings for each other, and it’s okay. Not all marriages are salvageable, and sometimes, damage just has to be done. It’s […]

What’s Really Behind the Plastic?

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

What’s the substitute for blood in the plastic universe? What really happens when an axe cuts in to dismember, for instance, a plastic hand? Does water come out of the wrist? Or does the hand just pop off and leave a hollow arm with no harm done, deep and pervasive emotional scarring aside?    I […]

Dora: Clueless Bitch or Victim of Neglect?

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

Here’s a thought: perhaps, if we were all left to traverse through jungles on our own when we were 4, we might have grown up to be more…independent? In the Dora The Explorer Cinematic Universe, Dora presents herself as a tool to help children learn Spanish, or English or other such languages. Yet, there is […]

The Reason Why Phineas’ Head is a Triangle!

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

Dear reader, unless your parents hated you as a child and didn’t let you watch Phineas & Ferb OR you lived under an actual rock, you have most likely encountered at some point that creepy and depressing fan theory about how the show was inspired by the story of a schizophrenic girl who thought her […]

How Doraemon can help you with your problem sets

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

Hey you! Yeah, you! Are you an immigrant? Did you spend part of your childhood in another country? If you did, then I hope you’ve got your permanent residence or your citizenship because those international fees are… PHEEEWWW. If you are reading this and you happen to be an actual international student, then please forgive […]

Caillou: Cancer patient or simply unworthy of hair?

Posted on: December 10th, 2021

For decades now, a famous baldie has encouraged several children to embark on mildly hazardous activities while never answering the million-dollar question: why the fuck is he bald? If you’ve never seen Caillou, every episode consists of this little man child with this big ass bowling ball head doing some silly little activity in his […]