Hey everyone. I’m Korg, sort of the go-to revolution expert here at the Toike. I tried to start a revolution a little while back, but I didn’t print enough copies of my own satirical newspaper to overthrow the Toike as the best humour newspaper at U of T. It probably didn’t help that the only contributors I had were my mom and her boyfriend, who I hate. Anyways, as part of my punishment, I was forced to join the staff and write articles for the Toike, so here’s my top Five revolutions here on Earth.
#5) Roman Slave Rebellion (A.K.A. The War of Spartacus)
Now, as you can imagine, this one is very dear to my heart. This rebellion featured numerous gladiators trying to overthrow their oppressors. You know, stuff that my friend Doug used to talk about before he got killed. Unfortunately, I think they had a bit of a leadership problem since no one seemed to know who Spartacus was. In the end, they just didn’t have anyone’s face to put on the pamphlets, so their revolution was crushed, and they all ended up just like Doug.
#4) French June Rebellion
This uprising is one that I’ve only heard of because of that movie about it, which was based on a musical adapted from a book, so I’m not entirely sure of some of the details. It seems that a bunch of British and American people took over this one part of France and tried to overthrow the government because the government had the money and the people did not have the money. There was also this problem of people stealing bread and the police wasting decades looking for those bread thieves instead of trying to keep the peace. No one’s actions in the movie really made sense, so I have to imagine that’s why their revolution failed.
#3) Caesar’s Civil War
This one isn’t so much of a revolution as it was a coup, since Caesar was sharing the power with his friends Crassus and Pompey until they got scared that he was becoming too popular. But we’re gonna call it a revolution anyways. This revolution gets extra points for being the first successful one on our list. Of course, Caesar himself was overthrown not long after by some of his friends, but you know what I always say: “Always be revolting.” Revolting in the “overthrowing your government” kind of way. Not in the “disgusting” kind of way. I really need to think of a better way to say that.
#2) American Revolution
Just out of our top spot is a true ‘Doug versus the Grandmaster’s Champion’ story, only with a happier ending (unless maybe you’re British). It took almost 20 years but the untrained soldiers of the thirteen American colonies were able to beat the strongest military in the world at the time, winning their independence and laying the foundations for one of the biggest nations in the world. A haven for all peoples of the world. Oh… I’m being told that those foundations are gone now… awkward… Anyways, this revolution also gets extra points for inspiring that musical, Hamilton, which I haven’t seen yet because it’s so difficult to get tickets. But Miek assures me that it’s truly fantastic. At least I think that’s what he’s saying. My insectoid is not flawless.
#1) Dance Dance Revolution
That’s right. My absolute top revolution is Dance Dance Revolution. When I first got to Earth, I was excited to find out that you people actually have a series of games devoted to revolutions. And while I was disappointed by the lack of actual revolting against an oppressive government, I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed the game. You get to learn new dance moves like stepping to the left and then stepping backwards and then stepping to the left and right at the same time, it’s a really great way to lose a couple of pebbles off the old body, and you get to listen to some pretty good music while you’re doing it. I’ll just come out and say it: it’s a better game than rock-paper-scissors.
So that’s my top five revolutions here on Earth. I hope you found the list entertaining. If you were not entertained, I’m really sorry about that. Between you and me, I’m actually organizing another revolution so if you’re interested in something like that and you have some ideas for how we can win this time, contact me by…What? Yeah, I’m Korg. Who’s asking? I know you’re asking but is it just you? Oh? THE REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!
