The Motorola Razr is a masterpiece of style and function. The phone is sleek and fits in any of your cargo shorts pockets easily when it’s folded. And when you want to talk to someone, it contours to your face so you get crisp call audio. Not to mention how cool it looks answering your phone with a flick of your wrist.

Are you joking? If you want function, look no further than the Nokia 3310. This thing may not look as cool as your fancy little flip phone, but it can survive anything. I’ve seen cinderblocks fall on Nokias and the CINDERBLOCKS BROKE! At the end of the day, three things are gonna survive a nuclear apocalypse: cockroaches, Twinkies, and every fucking Nokia 3310.

Okay, you might have had a chance if you were arguing for the Kimmunicator from Kim Possible. But the 3310 is maybe a step above an actual brick. You ever tried to call someone on a 3310? You can’t hear a thing. And that tiny ass screen is worse than the front screen on a Razr. You basically have a high-tech paperweight in your pocket and you’re calling it a phone.

I guess you just don’t care about personal safety. That’s what a phone is for, right? To keep yourself safe. What’s safer than having an unbreakable weapon in your pocket. You ever see a kidnapper in a movie step on a Nokia to keep someone from calling for help? No, because the person being kidnapped would beat their ass with a Nokia and the movie would be over.

Alright, fair point. Can we at least agree that the new iPhone looks like hot garbage?

Oh, completely. I give it a month until the fad dies.