Violent homicides, break-ins, and gang related crimes in low-income neighbourhoods often go unreported even by the victims due to the popular anti-cooperation catchphrase, “Snitches get stitches,” but one Toronto Police division is looking to fight fire with fire with the equally catchy “Snitches get bitches”.
“One hundred percent of the reason ‘Snitches get stitches’ is so effective is because it rhymes,” explained Division 26 coordinator David Kowalski. “Something like ‘Don’t talk to the cops we’ll hurt you’ or ‘Providing details for police investigations only endangers yourself’ would never have caught on.”
The program began 3 weeks ago, and while rewarding both male and female informants with prostitutes and sexual favors initially raised many moral criticisms, they quickly evaporated once the boost in police cooperation increased the solve and arrest rate by a whopping 300%.
“Before this program, we had people walking down the street casually firing their guns in the air, knife fights in the middle of intersections – one guy was even playing a concert and got mugged on stage. Of the nearly 500 witness interviews we conducted last month alone, mostly with attendees of that concert, not one of them claimed to have seen anything.”
Police are now overwhelmed with the number of tips and witnesses volunteering their time, and have so far made hundreds of arrests and convictions for crimes stretching back up to 4 years. Police actually had to add a clause to the program last week to prevent people from reporting themselves for rewards, as loitering and littering briefly spiked.
In response to this effective program, local gangs have returned fire with the counter-phrase “bitches get stitches”, threatening all prostitutes working with the police. Police shot back with a “bitches get riches” slogan, offering hefty rewards and protective identities to all cooperative escorts from the recent boost in funding from asset seizures. Gangs responded with “riches get ditches” encouraging gangs to bury their assets to avoid police seizure, to which police countered with “ditches get snitches” offering rewards to all citizens with tips on buried gang assets.
“Bitches get pitches” has recently been introduced by gangs, offering free baseball lessons to all prostitutes in an effort to convince them to quit the profession and stop helping the police. However, the police’s new “pitches get switches” initiative has completely flooded the amateur baseball scene with switch hitters, frustrating new pitchers into quitting.
More on this story as it develops.
