As another semester begins, international students are once again faced with the bleak reality of their investment in education.
Students have long wondered why they have to pay three times the tuition of their classmates, and apparently the administration did not know either. Beginning in February, the largely unused piles of cash will be burned in the Steam Plant next to the Bahen Centre to heat campus buildings throughout the year.
A representative from the faculty met with us to explain the situation.
“We had been using the extra cash for all kinds of important things – stuffing mattresses, replacing asbestos, propping up desks – but the fact of the matter is that there’s just too much of it. We have to get rid of it somehow.”
Though student fees did have to increase to pay for repair to the dilapidated plant, it has since become a profitable enterprise. The University now offers unpaid internships to literally shovel money into the furnaces.
“This revolutionary thought process is much more efficient than our old system,” said the representative. “We used to wring money out of internationals to pay for natural gas, but this cuts out the middleman and increases efficiency by almost negative 300%. I can only hope that other schools in North America will follow our lead, as usual.”
The faculty has also announced plans to build a memorial wall for the financial dreams of countless parents of international students.
Rumour has it that the faculty’s next energy intiative will be harnessing the power of graduate student tears to power campus hydro. This one, say students, is something they can get behind.
