SUNNYVALE, CALIFORNIA – LinkedIn CEO announces, in a joint statement with his CPO and public affairs partner, that the LinkedIn website will now allow users to add Steam achievements to their list of ‘Skills.’ This comes as the company attempts to cater to the increasingly popular “gaming community,” which has expanded to include more than just raging misogynists and even recruited its first woman last month.
While it is unclear how employers will react to this change, gamers around the globe have already begun praising this decision in Discord servers and Reddit communities alike. “This is one more step towards Making All Gamers Attractive,” claims one Valorant addict, who is especially hopeful that this new change will impress employers and help him finally attract a “hot and single mom in his area.”
Users will also now be able to filter other LinkedIn users by a variety of stats, including KD ratio, perfection %, and play time. A promotional post shared by LinkedIn staff and liked by over 69M users, explains that the move will be a game-changer for recruiters, who will now be able to filter out applicants based on their gaming habits. “It’s just another way to ensure they’ll be a good fit for the company,” one recruiter says, adding that “new DEI initiatives have never included diversity in gaming levels and abilities, and this can change that.”
When Toike reporters asked the CEO about where this revolutionary idea came from on camera, he turned around, jumped out of the frame and disappeared without a trace. It was later uncovered, upon reading a series of FacebBook posts by his ex-wife, that the idea originated from “a Coldplay concert in Boston.”
GAMBLING BOOMER CLAIMS YOUNG PEOPLE “ADDICTED TO SCREENS” (AFTER SPENDING 420 STRAIGHT HOURS IN FRONT OF A SLOT MACHINE)
NIAGARA FALLS, CANADA — Karen, 69 year old retiree and regular at the Fallsview Casino, told Toike reporters in an fiery outrage that all young people these days are “addicted to screens” and are not capable of “contributing positively to society.” When asked about a source for her claim, she looked at us in shock, explaining that only democrats believe anything those universities are publishing these days. She told us that the best teacher is good old ‘real world experience,’ and explains she first started worrying about screen addiction after interacting with her 2 grandchildren.
“They are always on those damned phones” and “never make time for grandma,” Karen tells us, furiously, although current visitor logs show Karen has not left the casino for years, and only leaves her position at the slot machine to receive room service in her comped room. Casino staff also note that she has a particularly regular gambling schedule, spending 420- hour increments in front of one machine.
“I started to think she might be a lesbian,” one member tells us in confidence, “because she spends so long looking at the cherries on the screen.” We at the Toike hypothesize that this could explain her obsession with slot machines, since she seems unsure about how to access actual lesbian porn as a raging homophobe. For the inexperienced, these cherry icons can serve as a good substitute for a secret desire for female milking appendages.
The Toike concluded their casino visit by asking about the reason for her “passion” for gambling (we were careful not to use the word “addiction” so as not to offend her). “It’s my ex-husband’s money,” Karen explained, “but it’s for a good cause.” Karen’s sister currently lives in NY and suffers from “democratic socialist delusions.” All funds raised from slot machine winnings will be put towards a Neuralink implant for her sister, to ensure she votes for Andrew Cuomo in the next election.
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Random stuff
and it was apparent that few reporters dared answer this question.
When Toike reporters asked the CEO about where this revolutionary idea came from, he looked at us with a smile. “It came to me at a Coldplay concert I was attending in Boston,” he says, “and it was a night I’ll never forget.”
Fearing the spread of “brainrot” (a word she claims she heard from her neighbour’s husband) amongst the younger generations, Karen has vowed to take a stand against the spread of screen addiction.
Karen, who reassures us she has never watched Parcs and Rec goes on a tirade against the screens:
“This is ridiculous. Where are the police? This kind of behaviour would have never been tolerated back in my day. You are texting at night: right to jail. Scrolling too long on IG: jail. TikTok: jail. You met on Hinge? Believe it or not, jail. You can’t socialize, also jail. We used to have the smartest and kindest people in society because of jail.”
