NIAGARA FALLS, CANADA — Karen, 69 year old retiree and regular at the Fallsview Casino, told Toike reporters in an fiery outrage that all young people these days are “addicted to screens” and are not capable of “contributing positively to society.” When asked about a source for her claim, she looked at us in shock, explaining that only Democrats believe anything those universities are publishing these days. She told us that the best teacher is good old  ‘real world experience,’ and explains she first started worrying about screen addiction after interacting with her 2 grandchildren.

“They are always on those damned phones” and “never make time for grandma,” Karen tells us, furiously, although current visitor logs show Karen has not left the casino for years, and only leaves her position at the slot machine to receive room service in her comped room. Casino staff also note that she has a particularly regular gambling schedule, spending 420 hour increments in front of one machine. 

“I started to think she might be a lesbian,” one member tells us in confidence, “because she spends so long looking at the cherries on the screen.” We at the Toike hypothesize that this could explain her obsession with slot machines, since she seems unsure about how to access actual lesbian porn as a raging homophobe. For the inexperienced, these cherry icons can serve as a good substitute for a secret desire for female milking appendages. 

The Toike concluded their casino visit by asking about the reason for her “passion” for gambling (we were careful not to use the word “addiction” so as not to offend her). “It’s my ex-husband’s money,” Karen explained, “but it’s for a good cause.” Karen’s sister currently lives in NY and suffers from “democratic socialist delusions.” All funds raised from slot machine winnings will be put towards a Neuralink implant for her sister, to ensure she votes for Andrew Cuomo in the next election.