You’ve heard of date everything, where you can date emotionally unstable fuse switches or a dishwasher that straight up stalks you, but now get ready for DATE EVERYTHING: PIT EDITION.

Get ready to meet some of our eligible young bachelors and bachelorettes! Meet Tick, the ripped up suds ticket that has been fused to the floor of the SUDS bar through years of sticky goop compiling on the floor. He has severe anxious attachment issues, but you’ll know he will never leave you! Not your speed? Try Musty, the Pit Ceiling mustard. He’s a total sweetheart and a hopeless romantic, but by God the smell makes an ECE seem like the pinnacle of hygiene. But he at least can talk about his feelings, unlike the emotionally stunted Sinko, the paint sink that has been clogged. He hasn’t cried in years, and he’s a bit of a hoarder, but he’s got a huuuuuuge….faucet.

More into the ladies? Meet Sandy, the hand sanitizer from the bnad room! She is neat and petite, but be careful, she is a war veteran who has seen more things than you could possibly imagine. Or Roachel, the roach that lives in the drain at the bottom of the pit. Sassy, and full of attitude, but she and Sinko are bitter exes who used to live together, and she doesn’t quite seem over getting kicked out.

Because the real pit is littered with non-binary people, our dating sim is too! Try Cutie, the box of cutlery everyone uses in a pinch. They’re sweet, alert, and sympathetic to your needs, but a lifetime of people relying on them has made them compulsively sacrifice their own needs to help others until it snowballs into a complete breakdown. Or Cigmund, the discarded cannon-firing cigarette with a smoking hot body and intense father issues culminating in fear of abandonment. There’s also Dean Yip Shrine (yes that is their full name), a type-A personality who is willing to do anything to help her academics with a secretive superstitious side that will always leave you questioning what goes on in the shadows…

With these and many more options, you’re sure to find love! Plus, the whole game is narrated by the famous That One Bird That Keeps Showing Up In The Pit.

And stay tuned for the DLC, DATE EVERYTHING: RENOVATED PIT EDITION. The whole game will be way too boring to play, but the donors will be pleased dating options will be more palatable!