Over the course of the last few months my boyfriend has been showing many signs that they have been replaced by a cat wearing a costume of them. The first time I noticed this happening was about 6 months ago.

I was sitting down and having my usual after work snack of cheese and crackers with 6 beers, when they started gesturing towards the cheese with their nose as if asking that I feed them a piece. Now it is not all too uncommon for my boyfriend to attempt to steal my snacks however this specific non-verbal request for cheese happened to appear very cat-like in nature and made me begin to be suspicious.

A few weeks later I started to notice that whenever they had food they liked, or when I would rub their shoulders, they would start to make a low humming, almost purring like sound. I started to notice how often they would make this sound. In addition to this they would also start demanding that I scratch their hair and would make the purring sound endlessly while I did so. Whenever I would stop giving them scratches they started to rub their cheek against my arm hair instead, or begin licking their skin, as they would say they were just “removing the dead skin”. This began to confirm my suspicions but little did I know what was about to come next.

Two weeks ago I woke up to see that they started leaving dead birds in my kitchen. “It’s chicken for dinner” they would say, but I know that is just a cover up for the cat’s impulsive desire to give dead birds as a present to their loved ones. The last clue that made it all lock in was when one night I woke up to what I thought was the sound of meowing, and rolled over to see my boyfriend staring intently at me with what could not be mistaken for anything but cat-like eyes. “You were just having a bad dream” they said, but I was on to them.

All this points towards only one possible situation. My boyfriend was captured by a colony of cats and has been replaced by a cat spy wearing a human costume. The cats are plotting to take over humanity and it has started with my boyfriend, so if you ever hear your boyfriend start meowing, just know that you too have probably lost your boyfriend to the cats.