After months of tracking leads, carefully searching through papers, and bribing staff with… favours, Toikileaks investigators have finally gotten their hands on the plans for the new engineering building being erected just north of Galbraith. These plans have revealed some great new classrooms, lecture halls, and other facilities designed to help you through your time at UofT.
All classrooms boast the latest in smart board technology, which are now so smart that they correct all your work while pointing out every single one of your errors. They also come with pre-programmed phrases that chastise you for poor work, such as “You’re an idiot!” and “Even an unconceived fetus could solve that better than you,” saving your profs and TAs valuable minutes every class.
The lecture halls also have revolutionary new tech that boasts an improved learning environment that is 600% better than what is currently offered at MIT. Every chair comes with the MaxAwakeTM system preinstalled. Once you sit down, a heart rate monitor determines your average resting heart rate. The computer then uses your weight to estimate what your heart rate would be in a light sleep. If your heart rate approaches this value, the built-in taser jolts you awake. “This is amazing,” says one second-year EngSci student. ”There’s nothing like a little pain and second degree burns to help me pay attention in class. And if I ever have the urge to run away, the aisles have a 200 amp current running through them during lecture.”
Finally, the crowning jewel of the new building is the spa on the top floor. “Studies show that massages help relieve students’ stress during testing periods,” explains Grace B. Well. “That’s why we will have 3 massage tables staffed 24/7 with expert masseurs. And of course, we will “expand our capacity” during stressful exam periods.”
A last minute addition to the spa is the lubricant office, which was created in response to students’ complaints that their U of T experiences were too rough. Ms. Well thinks that these facilities will make tests less painful, and the results a little easier to swallow.
The University of Toronto hopes that investing heavily into these new technologies will finally secure its spot as the best university in the Canadian world.
