March 1999

Citing greats such as Tony Hawk, Marky Mark, and one-time NBA All-Star Kobe Bryant, local thirteen-year-old badass and San Jose native Chris Simons has declared that he would like to get his game on and go play. This is the latest in a long line of public declarations on his online blog titled So Much 2 Do, So Much 2 See.

Simons appears to be one of a worryingly increasing number of barely-pubescent individuals who are being engulfed by an increasingly prevalent mental disorder. Sufferers are characterised by the obsessive need to get the show on and get paid, and by their belief that all that glitters is, in fact, gold.

When asked for an opinion on the pandemic, totally heterosexual Latin-American pop sensation Ricky Martin dismissed the claims of mental illness and was quoted as saying “these kids just aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed.”

The rarest and worst symptom of what has become known as “smashed mouth disease” (so named because of sufferers’ propensity to bite down on their lower lip during wicked sick guitar solos) is the persistent need for change. This need is so intense that on every street corner, youth can be found offering gas money to other afflicted pre-teens when they could use a little fuel themselves, resulting in them all being short on change.

“So much to do, so much to see,” pensively murmured Steve Harwell, in response to a detailing of the fast-spreading symptoms. Harwell, a Californian vocalist known for his band’s smash hit – a 1998 cover of War’s “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” – then walked away as though he suddenly had a stroke of genius.

At the time of publishing, Simons was last seen murmuring “only shooting stars break the mold,” from the top of the half-pipe.