Hot off the heels of their relatively recent portable blockbusters Pokémon GO, Super Mario Run, and of course, Pokémon Sun and Moon, Nintendo has decided to make another bold move by opening a line of Super Mario Brothels where legal worldwide. These locations will aim to satisfy visitors with workers dressed as their favourite characters from the Super Mario universe and environments designed just like levels from the game. “Go down Peach’s pipe until your Wiggler turns red in one of our forest-themed rooms,” proclaimed an advertisement for the establishment, “or if you’re into kinkier stuff, smash with Giga Bowser down in his dungeon.”
“I can’t believe we didn’t think of this sooner!” cried Reg Fills-Me, President of Nintendo’s Division of Pornograpy (Nintendo DP for short). “It was only one letter away from Super Mario Brothers!” Believe it or not, Nintendo DP has always been around but only became more public recently with the rise of the Internet and rule 34. Nintendo simply decided that with porn at the forefront of the digital age, they may as well capitalize on its popularity and be open about their behind-the-scenes porno division.
“Our work goes way back,” said Fills-Me, hands calmly steepled, elbows resting on his table made of that sweet, sweet Pokémon green. “Why do you think Peach keeps Toad in her dress in Super Smash Bros.? Or in Zelda II, what do you think that lady is really doing when she takes Link into her home to ‘heal’ him? Samus being a chick in a swimsuit at the end of Metroid was our idea!” Even Kirby, Nintendo’s cutest and surely most family-friendly mascot has been influenced by Nintendo DP’s work. Yet even this is unsurprising given that the character’s main power is sucking.
According to Fills-Me, many of Nintendo DP’s ideas have been censored over the years. “Originally, breeding in traditional Pokémon games was supposed to be more graphic,” claimed Massagiro Sukherai, one of the creative heads of Nintendo DP, “but when they came out with Gardevoir, the higher-ups thought it way too edgy.”
Many people have been shocked by the now more public presence of Nintendo DP. The division was so well hidden and Nintendo’s content so innocent that few people even conceived that something like the could exist. But there are still a few who saw it coming from miles away.
“I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner!” cried Malon Orfis, a porn conspiracy theorist based in Toronto. “It was only one letter away from Super Mario Brothers!” As a pornspiracy theorist, Orfis has watched literally hundreds of pornos over and over again searching for hidden meaning.
“Their work goes way back,” said Orfis, hands calmly steepled, elbows resting on his table made of table because he didn’t buy Nintendo stocks. “The plot of Super Mario Bros. on the NES is really the plot to an elaborate interactive porno. Mario travels across the land to save a hot blonde babe and has to get bigger along the way? Then they hook up in a dungeon? It’s really incredible that no one noticed these things.”
Advance bookings for Super Mario Brothels around the world (mostly in Amsterdam and Nevada) are through the roof. “Finally, our work gets the respect it deserves. With this, Nintendo will be restored to its former glory,” added Fills-Me. Shortly after, Nintendo announced the switch, whose detachable controllers are rumoured to double as vibrators.
