U of T has seen many miracles in its long life, but few incidents have matched Jake Samuels’ latest surprising exam story. Walking into his MAT457 final during the first semester of his fourth year, he knew nothing and was ready to receive a failing grade, not to mention potentially surrendering his entire degree. After writing the exam and later receiving the grade, he was astounded to see a perfect score on his paper. As a matter of fact, it was by far the highest mark in a class that everyone else had failed.
The course instructor, Professor Feil Yu, commented on the result: “I was shocked. I actually designed the exam for everyone to fail. I asked them to prove a theorem with no solution… and he somehow got it? I think I’m going to quit math now.”
An investigation was launched into this sudden success, but has since turned up no results. Samuels returned to studying for his winter semester courses and has not been heard from since. The truth surfaced later when he materialized again, this time leading a mysterious cult known as “The Stallsquatters of Knowledge.” He claimed he went to the bathroom right before the exam and simply happened to read the writing on the stall door out of sheer boredom because his phone had died. Apparently the writing on the door was a spell of sorts.
In his words, “it was too much of a coincidence” to not be the reason for his success. The mystery and rituals surrounding the new cult could only be rivalled by U of T Engineering’s traditions. Some speculate the mysterious Best Friends Club may be behind this new cult, but their existence could neither be confirmed nor denied.
This situation is a first, but it was bound to happen one day or another. Few people ever pay attention to writing in toilet stalls, blowing it off as the ramblings of other bored bathroom-dwellers. It is possible that Mr. Samuels was so bored, he was the first to read all the writing on the door in the correct order to conjure a spell to vanquish his U of T’s bell curve voodoo.
The cult is slowly growing with Samuels calling upon its members to search for other stall doors with “hidden knowledge” and bring the ultimate truth forward to the student body. The opportunity is fresh and the Stallsquatters are looking to capitalize, says Samuels.
“We want to enlighten our peers with the hidden truths of U of T. The administration has told us that knowledge lies only in textbooks and lectures, which may only be accessed after paying hefty tuition fees. I say this is blasphemy. If you want to truly experience success, you must find the right bathroom stall door and read it. That is the key to consistently doing well at U of T,” he proclaimed.
When asked about the specific writing and where the stall was located, Samuels refused to answer, asking us to first join the cult and pay a fee of $16,000 to access the “higher learning” level as a “domestic” member. The cost for “international” members is roughly $40,000 to $50,000, depending on the program and the “amount of knowledge” you wish to acquire. These fees are admittedly similar to U of T’s existing tuition, though Samuels did not offer comment. Multiple sources who opted to remain anonymous claim the mysterious stall is hidden behind a secret door somewhere in Trinity College, though this remains just speculation.
Only one thing is certain: Samuels somehow managed to get 100% on a U of T exam, which to many, spell or not, is borderline sorcery already.
