In a barely lit auditorium inside Sid Smith, the voice echoed off the aging walls. “The end is coming,” proclaimed Grand Prophet Herb Amor.

The acolytes sat up, causing their faux leather seats to creak in unison. Acolyte #24 shouted in excitement, dutifully explaining to new members there hasn’t been this much hope since 2012. Even fewer members were around for the millennial proclamation.

As the murmurs died down, the prophet spoke again:

“As stated in the book of Celeosis 3:1-5, understand this;

That in the end of days, there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, of cheese, of milk, arrogant, abusive, heartless, unappeasable, without self-control, lovers of beef rather than lovers of Tofu. Avoid these people.

Brothers and sisters, you must be ready.

Believe in Broadleaf 4:20: Blessed are the vegans, for they will inherit the earth.

The beckoners amongst us, the elders, go out! Spread the word of veganism. Tell all of your friends, your family, everyone you know. Demand an end to the reign of pepperoni and cheese pizza; Demand a crust and tomato sauce alternative. For only Veganism’s word shall save us, not to mention its incredible health benefits.”

The group was last seen protesting chicken nuggets outside the local McDonalds.