BERKLEY, CA – The Toike Oike has the rare opportunity this month to be privy to the experience of an inspiring young cultist who is part of a new faith that is sweeping the world.

“My parents were the staunchest Christians in Beverly Hills: we went to mass every Christmas and Easter, and I went to confession twice every decade” said the youth. “I was baptised immediately after each of my parents’ respective second weddings at the age of 9, and for the rest of my adolescence I felt a smug sense of self-righteousness. In fact, I even prayed once every blue moon.

So, I know what you’re thinking: ‘How could you renounce your LORD and SAVIOUR, Jesus Christ, in favour of famed astrophysicist Carl Sagan?’

I admit I wasn’t a believer at first either; how could this pale, turtleneck-wearing scientist compare to a God that could literally turn water into drinkable alcohol? In the end, it was his glorious prophet, the effervescent African-American demigod Neil DeGrasse Tyson, that truly lured me into his loving, Eastern European arms. Hearing Neil speak about the wonders of the universe awoke something deep inside of me that longed to be enveloped by the cold embrace of the ever-reaching Cosmos.

Neil helped to open my eyes, but it was Carl who opened my heart.

I mean, who wouldn’t be seduced by the fact that the planet they lived on was but a mote of dust in a sunbeam? Or that we, Earth, were but a lonely speck in an empty, unloving universe?

Wowza. That guy really knows the way to your heart.

I soon found that I wasn’t alone. I found my people and was introduced to the greater pantheon of Omniscient Bill Nye, and the hosts of Mythbusters, the Omnipotent What’s-His-Face and the Nice Guy-With-Mustache. I embraced their faith as they embraced me. We became a family of sorts. Sagan worship has become a part of my daily ritual.

Carl completes me, Carl fills me. I am one with Carl, and Carl is one with me. We are Carl.

His teachings are life-sustaining; I am but a sapling, growing forever upward towards his heavenly visage. I am nothing without Carl.

And plus, Carl is, like, a total babe.”