All of this cult stuff is kinda hooey

Umm, hey friends. I know I’ve only been part of your cult for a few days, but don’t you think that all this stuff is getting out of hand? I mean, I’m all for making a change in the world and sticking up for everyone who feels outcast by the rest of society, but isn’t there a better way? Sacrificing animals, drawing circles on the ground like we’re LARPing Fullmetal Alchemist… And I gotta say, I’m honestly more of a Gatorade fan than Kool-Aid. Now I like Icelandic heavy death metal as much as the next guy, but outside of concerts, do we really have to be “soaked in the blood of our enemies and awash in the sinful light of our saviour Satan?” Heck, I’m a studious follower of Odin–glory be His name–so this whole red devil goat god is kinda iffy to me. Can’t we just join a soup kitchen and sacrifice carrots to the tasty broth for the homeless? Man, this is like that club at Trinity College all over again!

I AM SATAN, LORD OF DARKNESS, DESCENDING UPON YOU NOW

By: SATAN, LORD OF DARKNESS