- I am one
It’s pretty self explanatory, if you ask me. I’m an arts major. You or your company, for whatever reason, refuse(s) to hire arts majors. Maybe you’re upfront about it, or maybe you’re more subtle, requiring “technical” expertise for roles that don’t really need it. Maybe you’ve just had an unbelievably coincidental string of not arts-major hirings. I don’t know. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t really matter. I’m an arts major, you don’t hire arts majors. I mean, it’s me we’re talking about here. ME.
- I need a job
Beyond that fact that I am me and that you don’t hire arts majors which, may I remind you, I am, the second and arguably more important fact to consider is that I’m currently seeking employment. I mean, it would make sense not to hire arts majors like myself if we didn’t want jobs, but the sad reality of this world is that arts majors (like myself) do want jobs. Everything would have been perfect, except for the fact that you don’t hire arts majors. Now look what you’ve done, you idiot. You ruined a perfect thing.
3. I would like to be hired by you
Yes, I’m showing my cards a little bit here. That being said, I wouldn’t be wasting my time filling out your stupid application and fluffing up my resume with exaggerated bullshit if I didn’t want to work for your company. Okay, at the very least I’m not overwhelmed with nausea at the thought of it. Surely this is the exact kind of attitude you’re looking for in a person such as myself, someone who has to stoop to the level of working for you!
- I could be doing LITERALLY anything else right now
You might have gotten the gist of it already, but I’m kind of a big deal. I spent four years at one of the best universities in this country, doing things that would blow your peanut-sized mind. My creativity knows no bounds. I could be out there in the world right now, working independently on stunning creations of art, literature, philosophy or music. The kind of stuff that would send shockwaves through our society and rake in millions of dollars. I could be keeping all the profits for myself, but instead, I’m interested in working for you. Just think about the benefits there for a second. Have you thought about it? Good. I bet you regret not hiring arts majors now, huh?
- I will be the coolest one in the office
I can see it now, cubicles as far as the eye can see, filled with smelly, socially awkward engineers and douchey, stuck-up business majors. Look at that for a moment. Can’t you see how awful and boring that collection of people is? I bet those oh-so-smart tech guys don’t even know how to engage in petty office politics or hit on attractive co-workers. I can do that. I have a sense of style, and my aesthetic is cool. Face it, by not hiring me or other arts majors you’re taking a real hit to your corporate image.
- I write words good
The title? Tongue-in-cheek. Do engineering majors even know what that phrase means? Probably not. Verisimilitude. Do business majors even know what that word means? Definitely not, and that’s poetic in a way, isn’t it? Rhetorical questions. Words rising and falling like a wave breaking upon the shore. Simile. The sentences weave into a structure that catches the eye and satisfies the mind. I have the ability to say so much, while not really saying anything at all. I can fill an entire two-hour meeting with this stuff. That’s what people with jobs do, right? I’m basically overqualified.
- Why not?
You guys hire people all the time, why not give me a shot? You make lots of money anyway, it’s not like paying me would be THAT big of a deal. Nobody would even notice. Just slip me some cash under the table, I won’t tell anyone. I mean really, what do you have to lose? I can pick up coffee for you once a week if that’ll change your mind. Okay, fine, twice a week.
Please
Please hire me please please please please please please please please hire me please please please please please please need a job please please please please please please hire me please please please please I’ll bake cookies please please please please please.
