The mathematical world has been turned on its head as a new proof that demonstrates that 1 like = 1 prayer was published yesterday in Nature. An emergency conference was called at the Fields Institute in Toronto, Canada. The director of the Institute made his bewilderment clear.
“The fallout out from this will shake the very foundations of modern mathematics. All of our axioms need to be revisited.”
He then added, “It’s incredibly counterintuitive, but the proof is there. For all of these years, the thinly veiled threats from middle-aged women claiming that the action of not liking their post implied you were a spawn of Satan were absolutely correct! There really is a special place in Hell for all of you twats who ignored Aunty Nina’s Facebook posts.”
The seminal paper came from an untraditional source. A Russian man by the name of Alexei Rubulev sent the paper in for peer review 3 months ago after working on the proof for over 7 years. We could not contact Mr. Rubulev for comment because no one on our staff knows Russian.
Mathematicians are looking to extend this proof to shares, which are believed to be fundamentally tied to likes and prayers.
Despite the excitement, academics have been quick to note that the current proof says nothing about other gestures on Facebook.
“It’s important for the public to reel in their excitement a little bit,” says the Field Institute’s director. “From this proof, it’s clear that God accepts likes as currency for prayers. However, the proof says nothing about the conversion rate for winky faces or eggplant emojis. A great deal of ambiguity remains”.
There is currently no consensus on the value of other symbols. For instance, one professor from the University of Toronto’s mathematics department guesses that the value of an eggplant emoji could range from about 5 prayers to a permanent banishment to Hell.
The impact of this proof seems to have trickled down all the way to the high school level.
“It’s just a beautiful result,” said Mark Betances, a local high school teacher, as he attempted to hold back tears. “I haven’t seen such elegance in mathematics in a long time. My students are so inspired by this result. I didn’t even have one kid in my math class today ask me when he was going to ever use this useless shit!”
The corporate world has also been forced to take note of this landmark achievement. It has been reported that Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, has called for a meeting with the social media giant’s board of directors to decide how to best monetize this finding and further exploit their users.
