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Alice Unsure if She’s Actually in Wonderland or That Really Was a Sheet of Acid

UNKNOWN LOCATION IN TIME AND SPACE – “Dude, not again,” exclaimed an exasperated Alice after tumbling several feet down either a rabbit hole or a manhole. “Fuck me, I shouldn’t have eaten that guy’s gum wrapper on a dare.”


Alice, now twenty-seven years old, had previously fallen down a rabbit hole at age seven in pursuit of a “rather dapper White Rabbit sporting a waistcoat and a pocket watch.” It was determined by the medics on hand that the Londoner had suffered a concussion after falling face first into the dirt near a shallow crater in the ground. Her bloodwork came back positive for trace amounts of lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) and the family maid saw Alice lick one of her mother’s “special adult candies.”


“Hello, Mr. Rabbit. Is it – wow, I am seeing and tasting all the colours – does this cake make me big or small?” asked the young socialite to who she thought was the March Hare, while holding either a pound cake with currants or a chunk of London’s famed Fatberg. “Maybe both?”


Since her first visit to “Wonderland” – a nauseatingly colourful realm of maddening nonsense where half of the coked-up populace speaks in rhyme – Alice has claimed to have visited on one other occasion, which she recounted in a 2015 interview with The Toike Oike.


“Yeah, I was like thirteen or something and I fell through the, uh, mirror. I’m not really sure if I was in Wonderland or not, but I remember something about a Jabberwocky, whatever that is. All I know is I woke up in a cold sweat with a fever of a hundred-and-three. I had the Spanish flu.”


She would later go on to say that Wonderland couldn’t possibly be real, but that there was no way that she could have come up with it on her own – regardless of her mental state.


“After all, what kind of person dreams up this sort of thing?”