SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – After decades of unconfirmed sightings and no public statements whatsoever, the sasquatch commonly referred to as Bigfoot has decided to break his silence in a press conference Tuesday afternoon. The subject of thousands of conspiracy theories and a creature of interest in dozens of missing persons cases in the Pacific Northwest, Bigfoot has been widely dismissed as a myth for years. 

However, in a shocking turn of events only M. Night Shyamalan could have predicted, Bigfoot walked into the Toike’s Seattle branch, broke a small chair, and requested that we organize a press conference for him. 

Of course, since the Toike was in charge of assembling the press for the event, media outlets from around the world showed up. I swear, we didn’t even tell them that it was Bigfoot’s press conference. We’re that well-respected. 

After 30 minutes of anticipation, Bigfoot took to the stage. “Hi everyone. I know that not many of you believe in me. Some of you watching at home probably still don’t believe that I’m real, but I assure you, I am. Anyhow, I primarily wanted this opportunity to speak to the press to address the hurtful nicknames a lot of you have been calling me. I just wanted to say that I’m very sensitive about the size of my feet and teasing me about it is really mean. Besides, I have a real name. It’s Todd. My name is Todd. While I’m here, I might as well get a few things off my chest. The Earth is flat. Kubrick faked the moon landing. I mean, seriously, do you really think Armstrong came up with that “one small step for man” line without an actual writer. Also, Elvis is still alive. But jet fuel can melt steel beams. Have a nice day everyone. Todd out.” 

It is still unclear whether Bigfoot, sorry, Todd really believes the ridiculous claims he made or if he just wants to be left alone. Longtime friend, the Loch Ness Monster could be reached for comment but she has a really thick Scottish accent so I’m really not sure I’m gonna be able to transcribe what she said here.