In the early hours of the morning, a post was published on Twitter.com, penned by none other than Dr. Eggman himself, mortal villain to Shadow the Hedgehog and Sonic the Hedgehog. The following is a transcription of the words spoken on the video:
“I’ve come to make an announcement: Shadow The Hedgehog’s a bitch ass motherfucker, he pissed on my fucking wife. Thats right, he took his hedgehog fucking quilly dick out and he pissed on my fucking wife, and he said his dick was “this big” and I said that’s disgusting, so I’m making a callout post on my twitter dot com, Shadow the Hedgehog, you’ve got a small dick, it’s the size of this walnut except WAY smaller, and guess what? Here’s what my dong looks like: PFFFT, THAT’S RIGHT, BABY. ALL POINTS, NO QUILLS, NO PILLOWS. Look at that, it looks like two balls and a bong. He fucked my wife so guess what? I’m gonna fuck the Earth. THAT’S RIGHT, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, MY SUPER LASER PISS!
“Except I’m not gonna piss on the earth. I’m gonna go higher. I’M PISSING ON THE MOON! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, OBAMA? I PISSED ON THE MOON YOU IDIOT!
“YOU HAVE 23 HOURS BEFORE THE PISS DROPLETS HIT THE FUCKING EARTH. NOW GET OUT OF MY FUCKING SIGHT BEFORE I PISS ON YOU TOO.”
Sources have not yet confirmed the size of Shadow the Hedgehog’s dick, nor whether he has *made love* to Dr. Eggman’s wife. However, in recent memory, Shadow the Hedgehog has notably stated that he loves Latinas, a demographic of which Dr. Eggman’s wife is not a part.
Insider sources have also confirmed the presence of a machine on the moon, oddly resembling the aforementioned “… two balls and a bong.” Various sources have also confirmed the presence of piss droplets floating towards the Earth’s orbit. Scientists have estimated the impact time to be approximately 4:20 PM EST on September 11, 2025. We have reached out to former president Barack Obama on this matter, but have not received a response as of time of writing. Residents of Earth have been advised to take shelter immediately.
