DUNDALK, COUNTY LOUTH – At approximately 2:30AM an emergency bulletin from the Irish Department of Impending Doom was published on social media: 

“NORTHERN IRELAND HAS PHYSICALLY SEPARATED FROM THE REST OF THE ISLAND, ROTATED 40 DEGREES, AND IS CONTINUING ON A NORTHWESTERLY TRAJECTORY. SATELLITE IMAGES SHOW THE REST OF THE UK IS FOLLOWING SUIT. CORNWALL EXPECTED TO IMPACT LOUTH AT 4 AM.” 

And so it did. Cornwall collided with county Louth at 3:57AM, causing enormous destruction to the port city. As of 5 am, 13% of the nation, constituting almost the entire now-coastal northeast, was ablaze. No casualties are yet reported.

The Political Analysis Department at The Toike Oike believes this to be the direct result of a no-deal Brexit, while the Financial Department believes it to be an ingenious bid to elevate the value of the GBP. Regardless of this speculation, all agree that this is absolutely mental. 

Nothing has been heard from any major news sources in the UK as of time of publishing. However, in a phone conversation with our Penzance-based sister paper, The Cornish Toike Oike, we learned that Cornwall had been equally impacted by the UK’s hasty and hard Brexit:

“HOLY SHITE,” screamed Editor-in-Chief Jowanet Marrek over the sounds of grinding stone and the cries of terror. “OH, THIS IS MAD. WHO’S IDEA WAS THIS?”