Today, President Donald J. Trump joined Administration officials to announce major progress in understanding the root causes of vampirism, which has exploded in diagnoses over the past two decades, and unveil bold new initiatives to tackle the vampirism epidemic.

Predictably, the Fake News immediately went into frenzied hyperventilation with their usual smears, distortions, and lies.

FACT: Evidence suggests acetaminophen use in pregnant women, especially late in pregnancy, may cause long-term vampire and other monster effects in their children.