Ok kiddos, things are gonna get weird in here real quick, so leave if that makes you uncomfortable. I’ll wait. Are we alone? Good. Lemme start by saying that I know who you are, Toby Flenderson. You know what I’m talking about, you dirty depressed Dundee-less dingus. You’re really gonna make me say it? Fine. I know you’re the Scranton Strangler. And I’m into it.

So, whaddya say? Are you gonna choke me? Like you hate me? But you love me? Lowkey, wanna date me?

What do you mean, no? You’re really hung up on that Pam girl, aren’t you? What the hell man, you guys never dated or anything. You just touched her leg that one time. And it was really awkward. Like a Hindenburg level disaster. I’m honestly just surprised they didn’t fire you on the spot. I guess there are some perks to being the only HR person at your branch though, aren’t there?

Why are you climbing over the table? Wait a second, what are you doing with that rope? OH MY GOD!

YES! Choke me harder, Dunder-daddy!

Wait, don’t stop. Where are you going? Toby? Hello?