Hey there young skeptic! Are you a person of science? Well versed in Neil Degrasse Tyson quotes, facts, and logic? Well look no further! The Conical Earth Society wants YOU to join our ranks and help enslave minds propagate the truth in a valiant crusade for knowledge. Interested? Keep reading to see the truth scientists have been hiding for millenia.
The first tenet, as you may have presumed, is that the Earth is a cone. We collectively scoff in the general direction of both flat and round earthers on this point—-why have one when you can have both. Look no farther than the proof they put forth to see the truth. Every experiment which proves the Earth’s roundness has happened on the curve of the cone, while every experiment which claims flatness has, with 100% certainty, happened. I see no counterpoint to this logic.
In terms of solar position, we have determined, through science, that the sun lay directly beneath the cone such that its light falls entirely on the flat side of the cone, down under the rest of the Earth. What’s that you say? Down… Under? Why, you’re correct! This flat base is the piece of land on which Australia lay, evidenced by <insert upside down joke here>.
But how, then, does Australia get night? The answer is the Tenebrous Motorized Rotunda, colloquially known as the “Down Under Dome.” This vantablack covered monstrosity is rumored to be the product of master structural engineer Professor Michel Cullins, however proof of this is slim to none. When asked for comment he replied: “Well, there are three rules of engineering…” and began pushing on a rope.
As we all know from math and geometry or something, having a curved object on one side of a cone means we must have a curved object on the other. This second curved object solves two of the missing factors in our model thus far—-sunlight and Santa Claus.
An inverted bowl of ice, the Cryobasin rests on the precipice of the cone, reflecting sunlight and causing seasons. “bUt WhErE’s ThE eViDeNcE” you ask. Well, as great philosopher Air is Total (or something I don’t really watch philosophy) once said, “the greatest evidence is the lack thereof.” Since we don’t have evidence of it, it must exist. A strong ferromagnetic field has been found in the presumed vicinity, which would erase any and all storage devices which come near. Thus, no evidence.
The mechanism by which it reflects sunlight is tandem with its sole resident, Santa Claus. Since his sleigh is entirely wood (duh) he can safely travel through the ferromagnetic field to no detriment. As for sunlight, his elves operate the Solar Prismatic Apparatus, a device which gyrates on the rim of the Cryobasin, reflects the light of the sun, and projects the circle of light in the sky that we all know and love. And, since they’re hard at work making toys in the winter months, they are unable to operate the “sun” for extended durations and the length of days shorten.
In conclusion, the Concial Earth Society needs YOU to go forth and conquer the holy land spread the truth about the Earth. Spread these ideas, win arguments, and sway the tide—-who knows, maybe we’ll get published in a legitimate newspaper one day.