A new body cam video released this week reveals an alarming encounter between a city official and Zxenead, Dark Ruler of the Eternal Twilight and Eldritch Cosmos. The city official visited Zxenead’s castle, which emerged from a dimensional rift in the middle of Nathan Phillips Square at 12:00 AM the night before. The castle violates several city zoning laws, prompting a visit from an intern from the Planning & Development department of the municipal government. A transcript of the body cam video follows below.

[City Official (CO) rings Mr. Zxenead, Dark Ruler of the Eternal Twilight and Eldritch Cosmos’ (ZXENEAD) doorbell. Sounds of screaming and church organ playing echoes from within. Eventually ZXENEAD answers the door.]

 

ZXENEAD: What do you want, peon?

 

CO: H-hello, sir. I am visiting on behalf of the Planning & Development department of the City of Toronto to inform you that you are to vacate the premises immediately or you will be fined.

 

ZXENEAD: I’ll be- What? Fined?

 

CO: Yes, sir, you are directly violating several if not all of the city’s zoning by-laws.

 

ZXENEAD: Well this is just silly! I can’t just up and leave I-

 

CO: Sir, please vacate the premises within-

 

ZXENEAD: No, shut up! I am not leaving. Do you have any idea who I am? And do you know how long it would take to-

 

CO: Sir, please-

 

ZXENEAD: I am not leaving this spot! I have an army of gargoyles and skeletons that have already-

CO: Sir, I need you to-

 

ZXENEAD: [talking over CO] No, I’m the Dark Ruler of the Etern-

 

CO: [talking over ZXENEAD] Sir, you must obey the law no matter-

 

ZXENEAD: [unsheathes what appears to be a Flame Sword of Trapped Souls +2] [yelling] You listen. This is private property and I-

 

CO: Sir, please put your sword away or I will call the police.

 

ZXENEAD: [after long pause appears to put Flame Sword of Trapped Souls +2 into a Bag of Holding +4] Look, do you know how many Elder Gods I had to suck the souls out of to get here?

 

CO: [nodding] I understand, sir. We’ve all been there. I don’t make the rules, I just-

 

ZXENEAD: Yeah, yeah. Look, I’m sorry I put you through that, I’m just feeling a little burnt out after all the Elder God soul collecting and to finally get here and have my conquest canceled by some by-laws is just… [ZXENEAD appears despondent]

 

CO: I understand, sir. I can explain your situation to my supervisor and I’m sure he can give you 24 more hours.

 

ZXENEAD: A-alright, that’d be helpful. Thanks.

 

CO: You’re welcome. Have a good day, sir. [CO turns to leave]

 

ZXENEAD: Wait, I don’t need to fill out any paperwork, do I?

 

CO: No, please just vacate the square.

 

ZXENEAD: Okay, thank you.

 

CO: Have a good day.

 

[END TRANSCRIPT]