Too scared to talk to a girl in real life? Too broke to buy a dating simulator? Fret not, for I,xXx_pUsSy_sLaYeR_xXx, have created a comprehensive step-bystep guide on dating à la dating sims. The contents of this guide have been meticulously curated from my vast experiences of dating virtual girls, extraterrestrial aliens, pigeons, and World War II Panzer tanks.

Step 1: Just go to some random place (bar, public park, or even a cemetery) and just stand there awkwardly. You will be approached by a really impractically dressed girl standing with an even more impractical posture who will immediately assume you are new in town (because you never leave your parent’s basement).She will attempt to strike up a conversation. Do remember that your responses are limited(they go from “Uh… hello” to “‘Tisa fair day to meet you, m’lady”and “Hurr durr, can I touch your boobs?”). Choose wisely.

Step 2: During the conversation,ask questions and take notes about her. Ask her about where she works, her favourite hobby,her height, weight, and cup size.These will come in handy later.

Step 3: You will receive a text from her asking you to go on a date with her. The location does not matter. What did you say?She wants to go to an outdoor spa in the middle of January? Doesn’t matter, she will be in her best swim suit.

Step 4: The date. Remember to buy her gifts that mean a lot to her. And by a lot, I mean a lot.Is her favourite hobby cooking?Then buy her a toaster. THRICE.ON EVERY FUCKING DATE.Seriously, it has +5 Love bonus.It doesn’t matter if she has a warehouse full of toasters by the end of the game. She will love you all the more for that. And the part where I told you to memorize everything about her? This is your moment. Go forth and shine when she asks you what her cup size is. What did you say? That you thought her third favourite colour wasn’t that important?Well, just go online and search for posts from other people who tried to date her. Seriously, people organize these details better than they organize their finances.

Step 5: Go on 5 more dates with her. Not 3, not 4, not 6, but precisely 5.

Step 6: Time to get laid (and show off your Candy Crush skills).While in the bedroom, play your best round of Candy Crush. Seriously,nothing is sexier than a man who knows his way around virtual sweets. What do you say? Real gamers play CoD? Well, suck up your pride and start practicing clearing those candies away.