Dear Miss Ogeny,

My girlfriend is a feminist. What should I do?

Please help,

Trent Darrington, Jr.

Well Trent, you’ve definitely come to the right place, as we here at the Toike Oike are pros at dealing with feminists. The first thing that you should know about feminists is that they’re all very sex-positive. Obviously, this extends to your relationship as well, so you’re free to sleep around as much as you want. Since she’s a feminist, she won’t mind – she’ll even support you (there’s nothing a feminist hates more than slut-shaming!) Another habit you’ll have to rid yourself of is holding doors open for her. Feminists take this as a personal affront, and will bitch at you in front of all your friends. Trust me, it never goes well. A real feminist will appreciate you slamming the door in her face, because she’ll recognize you as a fellow supporter of women’s rights.You should also make sure to loudly proclaim how much of a feminist you are. I mean, make sure you don’t actually do any of the things you say you do – they’d basically ruin your reputation. But your girlfriend will love you for saying that you’re a feminist too!

Good luck with the bitches,

Miss Ogeny

 

Dear Miss Ogeny,

So, I took Intro to European History as my elective last semester, and I didn’t really learn much. Well, actually that’s not true. I learned that I have one hell of a fetish for historical figures. Knowing how much influence these people would have had is just such a turn-on for me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not into like Jesus or anybody. No homo. But the chicks, man. Something about them is just way better than any girl I’ve ever seen here. They’re just so innocent and pure, when I think about them I just can’t control myself. Come to think of it, that’s probably why they won’t let me into the ROM anymore… Anyways, that’s not important. I’ve tried satiating my cravings by reading history textbooks late at night, and binge-watching Night at the Museum. But my roommates are getting pretty concerned, and the librarians are starting to ask me if I’m researching for my thesis, which is super awkward to explain. And I’ve read all the books about her already… She’s so virtuous, so pure…

Look, I just really wanna bang Joan of Arc, okay?

What should I do, Miss Ogeny?

Sincerely,

Thomas Aquinas

 

Thomas,

What the actual fuck.

Sincerely,

Miss Ogeny