Dear Miss Ogeny,

All the girls these days are so superficial and shallow. I’m a nice guy who deserves so much better – truly a white knight. I want a girl who’s not like other girls, who has real interests and hobbies. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Bradley Johnson

 

Well, Bradley, first, you’re looking in all the wrong places. You have to ask yourself “If I were a girl, where would I be?” Then avoid those places. Instead, try looking in hardware stores, or the men’s shoe aisles.

You’ll need to look for someone who doesn’t dress like other girls. So if she’s wearing men’s clothing, it’s probably a good sign! Especially if it’s an oversized plaid shirt – she’s definitely not superficial like those other girls.

Lastly, you’ll need to find someone who doesn’t act like other girls. For instance, when you ask her out, if she responds with “Sorry, I’m not into guys” or “I’m actually a lesbian”, you’ve definitely found the right girl! Alternatively, if she responds with “Wow, fuck you, I’m actually a dude!” then you’ve hit the jackpot, because he is most definitely not like other girls!

Good luck with the bitches,

Miss Ogeny
Dear Miss Ogeny,

I’m having a girl over at my house for the first time ever, and I am freaking the fuck out. What should I do??? Please help!

– Rye & Ginger

Chill, Rye, the Toike’s got your back. There’s three main areas you’ll want to take care of: sound, taste, and touch.

Music choices: a solid go-to is Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”, or really any heavy metal. It shows her your laid-back nature and willingness to go with the flow in any situation, while not being too “in-her-face” about it.

Food: show off your elaborate cooking skills by making toast. It shows her you’re a man who can cook, but who doesn’t want to intimidate her with his talents. She’ll fall head over heels for sure! (Alternatively, if you are unable to actually make toast successfully, try warming up slices of bread in the microwave. It’s basically the same thing.) [Note: if your mom has made snacks, definitely put those out – girls love a guy who’s close to his mother!]

Seating arrangement: sit directly across from her, at an appropriate distance (around a metre and a half away is usually best). Pull up a chair if you have to. You don’t want her to get the wrong idea about this interaction, or to feel uncomfortable (as close physical contact would). This sends the clear message of respect for her boundaries.

If you follow these three tips, you’ll basically be golden.

Pip pip cheerio,

Miss Ogeny