Dear Miss Orogeny,

I’m starting a structural geology course this semester, and I heard you were the go-to columnist for the tectonic deformation of the earth’s lithosphere. There’s this girl in my class, and I’ve been admiring her cleavage patterns for what feels like eons! She really raises my peak, if you know what I mean. It’s been awhile since I’ve deposited my sediment load, if you catch my continental drift. I just want to take her home and get her on my bedding plane. Have her take off my orogenic belt, and subduct my oceanic plate. Show her some real seismic activity, then dip early from her bed. Have some real sex with her. Except right now she’s pretty frigid. The glacial armoring is real with this one. I’m no master of subduction, and I just don’t know what to do!

– Gee O’Logie

Dear Gee,

Hmmmm, I think you might have the wrong columnist, but I’ll see what I can do. If you really want to make your plates collide, you’ll follow my advice. So the first thing you need to do is get a feel for her sexual apatite. After that, start to map out her orogenous zones. But don’t start drilling just yet – a few grab samples here and there will give you enough information without assuming too much risk. Then, and only then, you can take your dominant plate, and thrust-fault away until you get your rocks off! This should work fine unless she’s a total dike. With any luck, you’ll both be cummingtonite!

Miss Ogeny

Dear Miss Ogeny,

I run a club here at skule, and recently my club-mates have been pretty unenthusiastic about the whole thing. They’ve also started using a lot of pirate slang, which is pretty strange… Anyway, I just really want to make sure they’re having fun and getting involved, y’know?

What should I do?

– Ging’er? I Barely Know Her!

P.S: My roommate just bought duct tape and rope. Should I be concerned…?

Dear Ryan,

Shhhh, it’s okay, it’ll all be over soon. Just close your eyes and think of Godiva.

Yo ho,

Miss Ogeny