December 1999

From the very tops of the towers of Wall Street down to the roofs of American homes, everyone is feeling the boon of this economic surge that has shown no sign of slowing down.

Local homeowners have seen unprecedented returns on their properties and, as one member of the community put it, are “rolling in cash” at the moment.

“It really is amazing. I own three freaking houses just on this block! You can’t tell me that wouldn’t be possible without responsible fiscal policy from the top down.” After a moment of reflection, he continued, “I mean, this is the American dream, right? Being able to take a shit in one house and then go to your second house to wipe. It’s what God intended.”

Although a few individuals in both the financial industry and academia have expressed some concern over the inflated housing market and seemingly unrelenting prosperity, they have, by and large, been told to shut the fuck up and enjoy the moment.

“Not only are they spoiling the fun, they’re also just flat out wrong,” retorted a Goldman Stacks investment banker. “Housing literally never fails. There are few certainties in life: the Backstreet Boys will always be cool, the Blockbuster empire will never fall, and housing is always a great investment.”]

When asked about the sentiment in the executive offices amongst the bulge bracket banks, he smiled and continued, “What we are witnessing is capitalism at its finest. At the end of the day, we do our jobs and work hard so that the American people can live meaningful lives and achieve their dreams. No, really.”

Leading economists have also corroborated the feelings of both bankers and the common man as the consensus in the academic community indicates unbridled prosperity into the near future.

“Our mathematical models show unlimited growth as time moves on”, claimed Franz Lenin, professor of economics at Harvard University. “In fact, some common economic metrics such as the LPA (Lamborghinis per American) should approach infinity as time goes on”.

When asked about the validity of infinite growth, he responded, “Well, there are of course a few limitations to these models. For instance, our mathematical model doesn’t account for complex human interactions and the existence of greed, corruption or the irrational tendencies of the common man. But if we treat people as perfectly rational, circular billiard balls interacting in a vacuum, then you get some nice results!”