TORONTO, ON –

A single-vehicle crash on the southbound Don Valley Parkway brought traffic to a standstill last week, resulting in a nearly twenty minute delay for commuters.

According to Toronto Police, the driver – some total asshole in an SUV – hit the guardrail and rolled his vehicle across three lanes of traffic before it burst into flames. Police also confirmed that no one other than “the dumbass behind the wheel” was involved in the accident.

The driver, who has also been described by witnesses as a “fucktard”, “douchecanoe”, and “one stupid son of a bitch”, was pronounced dead on the scene.

“The exact cause of this morning’s accident is still being investigated,” said Sgt. Ryan Dickerson of the police’s highway safety unit. “But we’re almost certain it has something to do with the driver being a complete and total fucking moron.”

Sgt. Dickerson’s sentiments were also echoed by commuters, with many lamenting the fact that it only took one incompetent dipshit to massively inconvenience their day.

“What an asshat, making us all late like that,” said Sam Goulding, an accountant who was on his way to the office at the time of the crash. “I missed my 9:00 a.m. meeting and was slightly behind on my work for the rest of the day because of it. Unbelievable.”

Goulding further emphasized how important it was for him to be present at the office promptly each morning, and how frustrating it was that his commute was now slightly delayed.

“This idiot managed to kill himself while doing something as ridiculously simple as driving, and then had the nerve to make everyone else late while he was at it,” he continued, “Some people are just so inconsiderate towards others, you know?”

One man was reportedly heard yelling “nice lane change, fuckface” as flames engulfed the driver’s side of the SUV.