Greetings temporary money-holders, I mean movie-goers. Welcome to another Toike listicle, because these are pretty easy to write and we can put in pictures of the items being ranked to make each issue seem less word heavy. Today, I have the unenviable task of ranking Disney’s five Furriest films.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Disney is FAMILY FRIENDLY. There’s no way any Disney movies could be misconstrued as vulgar or sexual in any way whatsoever. Well, allow me to congratulate you on learning how to read and talk at just one-day old. But, in all seriousness, I’m about to open your eyes to some scary truths so avert your gaze if you want your innocence to remain intact.

You’ve been warned.

The Lion King

I’ve got three words for you. 

“Do me” eyes. 

Seriously, who didn’t get turned on during “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”? Trick question. EVERYONE ruined their jeans during that scene and anyone who says otherwise is a bald-faced liar. Hell, even the fucking dust in the sky was thinking about SEX during The Lion King. (The animated version, not the photorealistic remake. That would just be weird.)

Brother Bear

We now come to one of the many Disney movies where a character literally becomes an animal to learn something important about themselves. But, in this case, the thing they need to learn is the importance of love. Remind you of any particular sexual subculture? Furries. I’m talking about Furries. Sorry, this whole one-way communication thing is a little tricky so I want to be as clear as possible.

Zootopia

It’s basically been confirmed that Zootopia takes place in the not-too-distant future when the Furries have taken over. This movie doesn’t go full Furry since there aren’t any genitals per se, but it’s a good intro to Furryism for the youngins. For a more detailed analysis of the sex appeal of Judy Hopps, see “An Analysis of Animated Animals” in The Skulemarillion (October 2018).

Beauty and the Beast

For a second, let’s just ignore the blatant example of Stockholm syndrome on display in this movie. Are you ignoring it? Or did me bringing it up make you think about it even more? The second one? I thought so. Well, she still “fell in love” with Prince Adam (yeah, that’s right, his name is Adam) when he was still a Beast. And, in the live action version, she wants him to GROW A BEARD. Belle = Furry. QED.

Robin Hood

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Disney’s Robin Hood is responsible for the rise of the Furry subculture. Did they have to make a Robin Hood movie with animal characters? No. Did they have to make said animal characters so damn sexy? Also no. Conclusion? The animators were secret Furries who wanted to launch the subculture into the mainstream.

Honourable Mention: Ratatouille

And now, we come to the polar opposite of a Furry film. A…skinny film. So, this rat Remy throws on a meat suit so he can live out his dream of becoming a chef. Now, I think I speak for all Furries…not that I’m a Furry or anything, WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT? *ahem* anyhow, I know that an animal dressing up like people doesn’t seem like the Furriest of things but thinking about Remy pulling the hairs during the, uh, nighttime has gotten me, MICHAEL EISNER, through some nighttimes of my own, if you know what I mean…Masturbating.