With this month’s issue focused on conspiracy theories, we here at the Toike archives decided to delve into some original pieces written by one of the Toike’s most conspiracy-minded writers, Nicolas Coppola, better known today as Nicolas Cage. Though his time with the Toike was brief (he only wrote for the Toike for a grand total of six and a half weeks while he was filming Kick-Ass), he left a lasting legacy with 78 articles and other pieces written over that span. One piece in particular, a “National Treasure” reboot pitch, caught our attention due to its unique twist on the classic conspiracy-based adventure movie. And it’s not the fact that Sean Bean doesn’t die in yet another movie. Enjoy. 

Setting: Interior, Gates Manor, Nighttime. A young Ben Gates (age 18 but still played by me, Nic Cage) is sitting with his father (played by Christopher Plummer because Jon Voight is a little too crazy) in front of the fireplace. They are discussing the clue left to them by Thomas Gates. 

BEN 

So, the secret lies with Charlotte dad? 

BEN’S FATHER 

Yes, Ben. Someday, you’ll find Charlotte and uncover the greatest treasure in the history of our nation. A new National Treasure. 

BEN 

Why wait, Dad? 

BEN’S FATHER 

What? 

BEN 

Well, there’s this spider named Charlotte who seems pretty smart. I think I’m gonna start there. 

BEN’S FATHER 

Huh? 

BEN 

Well, I don’t think the spider will have the treasure but she can spell out clues and she’s friends with a pretty crafty rat. So, I’m pretty sure that farm is a good start. 

And then the movie shifts over to the farm from Charlotte’s Web and Ben (again, still played by me, Nicolas Cage, even though he’s a teenager) starts searching for more clues with Charlotte and Templeton and Wilbur and maybe they end up stealing the Declaration of Independence but maybe they figure everything out without it but the point is they have a great time and I get to hang out with some farm animals. So, yeah. That’s the movie.