Dear readers, I love Fortnite. My “friends” say I’m addicted, but they are wrong. They just don’t get it. I could quit any time I want. I only think about it every waking moment and dream about it whenever I get too tired from playing that I fall unconscious because I’m so dedicated to the craft. However, recently, I have been almost tempted to quit due to the ridiculous number of people dragging Sabrina Carpenter into Fortnite.

 It all started with Taylor Swift releasing a song called “Fortnight” (spelled wrong, I may add) that interfered with my search results for 360 no-scope shots while playing as Deadpool. No, instead it was everyone searching “Fortnite” trying to find her duet with Post Malone. Now, these same pop girlies have Sabrina Carpenter invading the game.

Please, Please, Please I need that song to stop playing while I play my game and blame women for all the problems in my life. Clearly, Sabrina has bots spamming the game to make her own skin the most popular ever. Why else would any sensible Fortnite devotee want to be a pop star when they could be, like, Deadpool or something? Don’t even get me started on how this Sabrina Carpenter skin implies that Deadpool is also 5 feet tall, the same height as Sabrina Carpenter. I always imagined him as towering over me, sexily – I mean, what? Who said that? 

Anyway, I just want to play my games without an army of Sabrinas saying, “Have you ever tried this one?” And then ganging up with Hatsune Miku to kill me.

What does a gamer bro have to do to survive in this day and age?