Toronto, ON — Around 2 pm last Wednesday, hordes of genetically modified corn “beings” paraded down St. George Street. These beasts were at least 6 feet tall, had legs, and were otherwise completely made of corn. As they marched, they chanted, “NO MORE EAT CORN” – even though they had no visible mouths. Quite a sizable number of people followed them, eating the bits of corn that were falling off their bodies. When asked to comment, one of them said, “Well, as it is free food, I don’t really see a problem. You just have to avoid getting crushed.”

Professor Zea Mays of the Agriculture Department at the University of Toronto urged everyone to calm the [expletive] down. “They’re going to wilt pretty soon after all this vigorous movement. Corn has a pretty bad shelf life if you whack it around this much. Trust me. I know. Don’t ask why. Just let it go.” When asked why she thought corn had been genetically modified to be this dangerous she replied, “We all make mistakes.” 

When asked if we should actually stop eating corn, Professor Mays told reporters it probably wouldn’t make a difference. “Corn is probably the dumbest of all the vegetables, so it really won’t be able to tell if we’re conforming to its demands or not.” She continued, “Lettuce, now that’s a vegetable that could really enact some change.”

Professor Mays’s advice to leave the corn alone worked out quite well. The corn just kept on marching and ended up getting crushed by the falling Gardiner Expressway. That won’t stop them from appearing in the nightmares of many for years to come.

On a completely unrelated note, Professor Mays has asked that if anyone has any spare lettuce lying around that they donate it to her lab for “real research reasons.”