a Standard Operating Procedure (Rev. 1.2) by the Virgin Sex Columnist

1.0 Introductory Problem Statement

Preliminary engineering observation shows that while couches exist in the Common Room, their potential as sexual activity-enabling infrastructure remains undocumented and under-optimized [1]. Students face a critical gap in opportunities for stress-mitigating intimacy. Attempts to fulfill this gap in alternative environments, such as the drop-in FPGA lab, have proven ineffective. The FPGA lab may be open 24/7, but other factors make it unusable [2].  The lab has a restrictive “no liquids” policy enforced by zealous lab TAs (explicitly interpreted to include genital secretions). 

This paper addresses the need for a standardized procedure to enable students to effectively engage in coital operations within Bahen.

2.0 Materials Needed

We will need several materials to follow our Standard Operating Procedure (SOP). These materials were selected considering environmental standards and cost tradeoffs [3].  

• A common room couch (dimensions: 420cm x 69cm x 69cm)
• A consenting sexual partner
  • To reduce duplicated social efforts, your lab partner can fulfill this role.
  • To acquire a sexual partner from scratch, develop a SOP for talking to your preferred gender (this is a research gap within industry).
• Dental dams/condoms (Editor’s note: These can unironically be found for free in the CSSU lounge, Bahen 2nd floor. So I guess the CS kids are getting laid.)

3.0 Procedure

We will now strictly define an engineering blueprint for achieving successful 69 on the ECE common room couches, based on industry standards [4].

3.1 Positioning Algorithm

To ensure equitable workload distribution, partner roles must be clearly defined as TOP and BOTTOM. To prevent fatigue and guarantee fairness, roles should be alternated at regular intervals according to the following pseudocode:

function 69_Protocol(partner_A, partner_B):

    while session_active == TRUE:

        execute_position(role_A, role_B)

        wait(interval Δt)

        if fatigue_detected(role_A) or fairness_timer_expired(t):

            swap(role_A, role_B)

            log(“Roles swapped successfully at time ” + t)

        t = t + Δt

end function

3.2 Rhythm Synchronization

Mutual rhythm is critical to avoid suboptimal throughput. Partners are advised to synchronize operations using a shared clock signal. Feedback loops (moans, shifts in hip position) should be monitored continuously for phase errors.

3.3 Contingency Planning

Given the unpredictability of the Bahen environment, the following contingency procedures are recommended:

• Unexpected Entry Event (UEE):
  • If bystander enters common room, deploy the Commuter Backpack Shield Protocol to obscure operation.
• Couch Structural Failure (CSF):
  • Visit the Civ Common Room across the street for professional guidance on structural integrity. You might even acquire a non-ECE third.
• Asynchronous Orgasm Exception (AOE):
  • If one partner concludes prematurely, re-enter the loop with manual subroutine for synchronization recovery.

4.0 Key Insights and Conclusions

This study explores a previously undocumented gap in ergonomically optimized intimacy opportunities for ECE students within Bahen Centre. Implementing the SOP not only addresses the identified gap but also provides a template for evidence-based, risk-aware, and repeatable engagement strategies in constrained academic environments. Future work may explore quantitative evaluation of SOP efficacy and refinement of contingency strategies based on real-world deployment data.

5.0 IEEE References

[1] U of T Facilities Services, “Couch Cleaning Schedule, Bahen Centre, 2025.”
[2] “Orgasmic Verilog: Waveform Timing Diagrams and Other Erotica.”
[3] University of Waterloo, “Freakonomic Environmental Engineering for ABGs.”
[4] Trust Me Bro, “Kamasutra, Revised Engineers’ Edition.”