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In Da Club Penguin: Let’s Get Nasty

Da dun. Da dun. Dun dun. 

Or so starts 50 Cent’s 2003 hit, In Da Club. Unbeknownst to many, Fiddy Cente was actually predicting the future. In Da Club is an overt reference to the rise of Club Penguin. 

Cent’s iteration of “shawty its ya burfday” establishes the celebratory atmosphere of the cherished site, with many users throwing dough and dressing to impress. 

In a vein of professional journalism, the desire of adhering to which only arises occasionally under a certain moon, The Toike Oike decided to infiltrate Da Club to see, once and for all, what 50 Cent was prophesising. Our handle is @SirToikeOike, though the user is now defunct. At first glance, the Penguin village is a humble and passive place – a reflection of a bygone era now full of bots and young teens trying desperately to develop their non-existent social skills – this is not the case. 50 Cent wasn’t joking when he said, “You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub,” because becoming a member of Club Penguin requires alcohol to numb the pain of having no friends of being taunted by 12 year-olds on the internet. Which of course was our experience. 

Observe this brief exchange:

@SirToikeOike: “Will you be my friend @RejinaGeorge123?”

@RejinaGeorge123: “no.”

Notice: @SirToikeOike has since been banned for inflammatory language.

Apparently, Club Penguin moderators recognize “fack ya” as a taboo word. Obviously, 50 Cent doesn’t give a FACK about the rules. His poetry is littered with obscene language. Is this Fiddy’s way of encouraging us to express our frustrations and emotions as cartoon penguins? Evidently so. However, on the brink of being banned from the website, @SirToikeOike’s option to chat with other penguins has been removed. He can no longer send messages or fling shit at trolls. 

“If you watch how I move you’ll mistake me for a player or pimp,
Been hit wit a few shells but I don’t walk wit a limp.” 

In one of the Club minigames, @SirToikeOike had a bad experience riding a minecart through the mining shafts. We blame the fact that this website is littered with bugs and other such fallacies, not to mention the glaringly obvious oversight in web design in regard to functionality. Fortunately, our beloved penguin is a baller – an OG pimpin’ badass – and escaped unscathed. 50 Cent’s reference to earning respect through strife rings true, especially on Club Penguin. 

“My flow, my show brought me the dough,
That bought me all my fancy things.
My crib, my cars, my pools, my jewels.

If the roof on fire, let the motherFACKer burn.”

As of right now, @SirToikeOike has finally been able to afford, and subsequently purchase, blue crocs. Seriously, why is this shit so expensive?? Most of it is ugly anyways. Before being censored, our penguin had a deep conversation with another user about how their dress made them look like a floating wedding cake. We wish we were joking. The designers of this game really didn’t ever leave the house. Nevertheless, Cente tells us to keep on grinding in the minigames for that sweet, hard, virtual cash while simultaneously not giving a FACK about the condition of our surrounding environment. One time, @SirToikeOike went to a house party during which the host flaunted their material wealth. All the other penguins were in awe, but our boi was unimpressed. If it’s not his, he doesn’t care. 

Is In Da Club a virtuosic masterpiece? Yes. Is it a reference to the classic Disney-backed abomination? Of course. How else do you think an enterprising gangster and rap mongol spends his days besides playing Club Penguin??? 

Notice how both the chat option and bubble have been removed from the user bar. What a contemptible attempt at censorship.