Everyone who thinks about Twilight has one of two feelings: they either hate it, or they love to hate it. But Twilight can’t be that bad, can it? Sure it’s a cheesy teen romance, and maybe Edward’s a stalker, and God that baby was SO CREEPY, and is Jacob in love with said baby? Ok, maybe it IS that bad. BUT, that is only the tip of the twilight iceberg, the tw’iceberg if you will.

Ladies, if you could choose between a stalker who climbs through your bedroom window to watch you sleep after you meet him once OR a guy who kisses you without consent and ignores your attempts to physically push him away from you, who would you pick? Don’t worry! Twilight’s got ‘em both! Team Edward or Team Jacob? I’m personally choosing Team run-away-from-these-men-at-top-speed.

Don’t worry, it doesn’t end there! Luckily the author remembered to put some racism in as well as a little treat. Jasper Cullen, one of the GOOD vampires, recounts his backstory, and makes sure to mention that he was in the Confederate army during the American civil war. Yes, that is the pro-slavery side. That by itself is bad enough, but he also lied about his age so he could join sooner. This has literally no bearing on the plot but it was important to the author (I guess).

Additionally, the Quileute people (the werewolves) are, you know, REAL PEOPLE, who have real stories and culture that was absolutely mutilated for the sake of this shitty romance series. Obviously it’s totally okay to rewrite other people’s histories and insert random white people in to explain everything, right?

The most criminal thing in the entire Twilight series, however, just might be the writing. I know the content is bad, but have you READ these BOOKS? The plot is all over the place, it’s full of purple prose, the spelling mistakes are surprisingly frequent, and you’ve got to be 80% through the book for anything to happen. You’d expect your protagonist to get in on the action, but Bella barely remembers to attend the plot of her own book. Whenever there’s a fight scene you can join her in a random hotel room, or on a beach, safe from all that interesting action or whatever. If you ever want to experience Twilight, just watch the movies, since they cut out all of that blank space in between the two chapters of plot per book.

So, is Twilight bad? Experts would say yes. In fact, most people would say yes. Twilight gets a lot of hate, and it should. Remember to hate responsibly and with your whole heart. Some things deserve it.